How Do I Save My Marriage Right Now? Follow These 3 Easy Steps

No one said that marriage was going to be easy, and it isn’t. However, we somehow seem to think that it will be for us when we first get married. We can beat those odds of 1 out of every 2 marriages ending in divorce because we are in love, and we will live, “happily ever after.” Then we get married.After being married for awhile we realize that we really don’t know what we’re doing. The only models of marriage we had were our parents and those of our friends. Some of those marriages may have been happy, some were not, so we’re left with having to figure out what works and what doesn’t. If you’re reading this to begin to answer the question, “How do I save my marriage,” then you know that most of the time we end up figuring out what DOESN’T work but still have no idea of what does work.So, I have 3 ways that WILL work to help you transform your marriage and will help you get your marriage back to that “happily ever after” situation you wanted in the first place.1.) The first is to realize that arguments are based on hurt and resentment.You need to realize that most of your arguments are coming from hurt and misunderstandings and those areas of hurt are what really need to be addressed to make some major changes in your marriage.So, for example, if you’re arguing about your love life being in a slump. One person says, “We never make love anymore.” Making love is not really the main issue. The main issue is that one spouse is hurt because they don’t feel attractive or loved anymore. So if you focus on making your partner feel more attractive and loved, you will probably find that this argument goes away pretty quickly.First of all the word “never” is never true. So to say, “We NEVER make love anymore,” probably isn’t true. They are really saying, “We don’t make love as much as we used to, and that’s making me feel unattractive or unloved.”If you can focus on making your partner feel more loved in other ways this argument will most likely go away. Remember, the real issue is that your partner is hurt because they feel like you don’t love them or they don’t turn you on anymore.If you understand that the disagreements in your marriage are coming from hurt and resentment, then you can focus on healing those hurts and fixing the real problems that plague your marriage.2.)The second key in answering the question, “How do I save my marriage,” is to not be who you think your spouse wants you to be. What? I can transform my marriage by not being the person my spouse wants me to be? No, what I’m saying is to not try to be the person you THINK your spouse wants you to be. So many times when a marriage is in trouble, one spouse tries to save it by doing all the things they think their spouse wants them to do Then sadly, they are shocked when they’ve made all these changes, and their spouse still hands them divorce papers.Now I’m not saying to not make some changes to who you are, but you need to make them for the right reason. You need to become more loving, caring, understanding, etc., because you want to be a better person, not to try to save your marriage. If your partner has complained to you over the years that you are thoughtless and insensitive because you do such and such, you should try to change those things about yourself in order to make yourself the best person you can be.If you only try to change because you hope it will save your marriage, your spouse will feel that and resent it because they will feel like they are being played. You need to make some changes that YOU don’t like about yourself to become a better person, with no other ulterior motive. Surprisingly, this is going to make you very attractive to your spouse. The transformation this can make is incredible.3.)The third key in saving your marriage is to love your partner in a way that “feels” like love to them. This is critical to answering the question, “How do I save my marriage?” Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic book in this area called, The Five Love Languages. In it he talks about how there are 5 different ways that people express and receive love.1. Affirming Words- this is basically saying sweet and loving things to your partner.2. Quality Time- this is loving your partner by spending time together.3. Gifts- this one’s kind of obvious, it’s loving someone by giving or receiving gifts.4. Acts Of Service- this is loving someone by doing nice things for them, like laundry, cooking meals, cleaning the house, etc.5. Touch- simply hugging, kissing, holding each other, making love, etc.Without going into depth on what’s covered in this book, the main point made in this book is that oftentimes, we are married to someone who speaks a different “love language” than we do. So, if you mainly see that loving your spouse is done by giving them gifts(Gift Giving), they may see love expressed by spending time together(Quality Time).So you bring home flowers and candy as a way of saying, “I love you,”  but it doesn’t really seem to change anything in your relationship. That’s because you are actually speaking different languages when it comes to love. If you try to learn which of the five love languages your spouse “speaks,” start learning to “speak” that love language. Transformation is almost inevitable.


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  119. Het zal allemaal best waar zijn, maar geef mij nou maar zo’n Roemeen. Dat is echt altijd muzikaler dan een borderliner/schizofreen annex junk/zwerver met een gitaar, mondharmonica of panfluit.

  120. Jennifer / So true! It takes determination to pray through to where God’s presence saturates you, and then continue to walk in the Spirit everyday… but, when you experience it, it is SO GOOD you don’t desire anything to hinder the wonderful blessing of feeling His presence, love, & guidance through everyday! When His presence saturates you, you just want more & more to where you’re not just full, but you’re overflowing! What a wonderful blessing this is!!!

  121. Is rennet made from microbes genetically modified? I’m making my first batch of cottage cheese (my first cheese ever) and I’m trying to get a handle on rennets. I’m going to order some dried rennet from the cheesemaker per your suggestion, thank you!

  122.   hilary kerrMarch 27, 20121. OMG! They were reporters!2. I told you, £100,000 isn’t enough! £250,000 or no dinner at Downing Street!3. For God’s sake Auntie Ethel, when are you going home?

  123. You deserve a break. Nobody should have to host three years in a row; not when the guest count is pushing 40! That was a wonderful, fun read. Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving to you. I am grateful for your weekly insights and honesty. God bless you.

  124. 02/09/2012Lo que pasa es que el suero entra por la trompa de Eustaquio y sube hasta el oído; eso significa que los lavados son muy “entusiastas”. En todo caso, yo no suelo recomendar lavados tras la adenoidectomía. Si ves que alivian la congestión de la niña, sigue con ellos; si no, déjalos.

  125. Grant,For examples of transgenerational epigentic effects in mammals see:Waterland, R. A., & Jirtle, R. L. (2003). Transposable Elements: Targets for Early Nutritional Effects on Epigenetic Gene Regulation. Mol. Cell. Biol., 23(15), 5293-5300. doi: 10.1128/mcb.23.15.5293-5300.2003AndAnway, M. D., Cupp, A. S., Uzumcu, M., & Skinner, M. K. (2005). Epigenetic Transgenerational Actions of Endocrine Disruptors and Male Fertility. Science, 308(5727), 1466-1469. doi: 10.1126/science.1108190CheersBruce

  126. Second Year of Scholarship Wins for All Applicants at a Fashion Design College…All four students from a fashion design college that applied for the YMA Scholarship were granted funding for the second year running….

  127. Ya know, that one guy coming through that spot, playing some gangsta music about killing people or f*ck the police all the way Turnt up alone in the car windows down just vibing off. Does that put any type of label on them to you?

  128. Could you write about Physics so I can pass Science class?

  129. So much info in so few words. Tolstoy could learn a lot.

  130. Homemade bars is the perfect solution to a healthy go-to snack! I never ate store-bought bars because I was skeptical of the ingredients. The convenience is great and with all those nuts and dried fruit, I bet it would perk you right up during a mid-day slump! Fabulous idea!

  131. Fran, I didn’t intend to imply your column was a dirty trick, it makes the point that if someone is promoting a supposed scandal they should at least back it up with evidence. But you do talk as if you are normalising scandal making as if it’s an accepted part of politics, just part of the game. Many people outside the political bubbles are fed up with destructive politics, as are some MPs (I suspect more than those who think they must scandal make).

  132. Bill,I honestly can say, I love you. I have your 3 page letter printed out sitting next to me you always calm my nerves…. I have a big part of my half brothers side of the family that are strong Baptist rooted folks. I always take the info with a grain of salt, but I still like to post the stuff and get people to think about something other than their iphone needing to be updated. **big hug**

  133. 2005/04/20 Maaf, ‘tailaso’ itu bukan makian Manado, tapi Makassar. Kebetulan saya berdarah Manado tapi besar di Makassar. Kalau makian Manado itu misalnya ‘pendo’, ‘cuki’.Salam caparuni (=jorok).

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