What is the problem affecting your marriage? Simple lack of the old days’ love? Or infidelity? Doesn’t matter. Today I am here to show you that you can save your marriage regardless of its current situation. Let me go chapter by chapter.What made you marry in the first place?You found something in your spouse, and he or she found something in you. You thought you wanted to live with him or her for the rest of your life, and so did he or she. Never forget that your spouse DID marry you – so there is or was something in you that he or she loved. Saving your marriage starts from considering this key point.Can you be the old you?The old you, or the you before the marriage, is the reason your spouse said “Yes” in the marriage ceremony. You have changed since then – don’t tell me otherwise, because you did. Everyone does. Going to the “old you” can be a crucial point in saving your marriage.But I did this particular thing to him/her!! It was such a bad thing to do and I regret it, but it can’t be undone!Remember that, that thing was in the past. What lives today, is the memory of that event in your spouse’s mind. That event, if there is one (it can be another affair, for example), distorted the view of you in your spouse’s mind. That event CAN be totally undone if you manage to alter your husband’s current view of you so that you are again a trustworthy person and are indeed the old you again. The road to saving your marriage always starts from this very point.
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If your husband has told you that he doesn’t love you anymore and he’s moved out of your home, it’s a devastating and overwhelming situation. Many women are faced with this after years of marriage and for some it seemingly comes out of nowhere. How can a man who was once completely and utterly devoted to you, decide that he loves you but isn’t in love with you anymore? If you’re not ready to throw in the towel and give up on your marriage, there is help for you. Once you understand the best ways to get your husband back you can rebuild your relationship and make it stronger and more satisfying than ever.One of the best ways to get your husband back is to let him go, for the moment. It’s in our nature, as women, to want to fix problems as soon as they arise. If your spouse tells you he isn’t happy in the marriage anymore, you want to sit down and talk about it so you can remedy the situation. That’s not the best approach at all. You have to give him the space he needs if you hope to have him fall back in love with you. He’ll feel more valued and loved if you tell him you understand what he’s feeling and let him go. Just look at it as a temporary separation that will result in a stronger relationship in the end. You’ve also got to focus more on yourself, than on him, during the separation. Think back to early in your relationship and how much your husband adored you then. There were qualities about you that he found irresistible and it’s those qualities that you need to work on now. Become that woman all over again. Your husband wants to be in love with an interesting, dynamic, fun loving woman. If you’ve become stressed or irritable because of all the pressures of being a mom, career woman and a wife, focus more on you, for now. Take some time to spoil yourself and work on improving who you are, as a woman and partner. He’ll notice and it will remind him of why he proposed in the first place. This will help to lay the groundwork for working back towards reconciliation.
The final chapter of Proverbs finishes with a punch, elaborating on the character of the thoroughly virtuous person; this is the character we should all aspire to, but not to the end of perfection–for we’ll never be perfect this side of heaven–and that’s the gift grace makes up for. We strive, we fail, and then we forgive ourselves; because God already has!So, sharpening our moral character to approach the capacity set before us in the Proverbs 31 “wife of the noble character” is fundamentally part of our purpose.And moral development does increase our capacity for a whole range of things, due to virtue i.e. the diligence of hard work (vs. 15, 18-19, 27), faithfulness (v. 26), inspiration in others of their confidence in us (v. 11), discernment (vs. 13, 16), resourcefulness (vs. 14, 18, 22), strength (v. 17) and dignity (v. 25), courage (v. 21), and compassion (v. 20). Finally, she’s admired and respected by her entire family, especially her husband (vs. 28-29) for her noble deeds surpass those of all other women–by direct observation of this noble husband. He’s totally stoked.Wow, what a killer marriage! But, is this set of images too hard to live up to? Again, it’s about aspiration, not perfection. It’s about spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.We miss something from the meaning of Proverbs and particularly chapter 31, however, if we see this as just about the woman profiled. Men are equally called by God to exhibit these traits of character. After all, a good marriage requires two equally devoted workers, labouring with and for each other–and their God. God is not a gender-exclusive deity.Can we then just begin to appreciate how awesome God is to bring about such transformation of character within us? The very possibility that we can tap into this power of God to become better people… it’s a completely awesome thought which fills our normally be-draggled hearts with hope.All of this drives us to the end of the chapter, indeed the end of the book, of course. This has us back flipping in an instant, rekindling the early theme of the ‘fear of the LORD.’ (See Proverbs 1:7) This theme is sprinkled throughout, indeed it underpins Proverbs.Those bent on the appropriate, awed respect and honouring of God–in basically all their ways–will reap eventual honour themselves (v. 31), not that this would ever be their intent. Their intent is only ever God!Copyright © 2009, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved.
I get a lot of emails which ask me various questions on the same variation of “when is the right time to end my marriage?;” and “how will I know when I am at this point?” In other words, the folks asking the questions really want to be sure that they won’t regret ending the marriage somewhere down the road. How do you know that you aren’t making a mistake or if you should try to save your marriage or work it out? Is is better to just cut your losses and move on or are you not yet at that point?The answers to these questions are very individual, but there are typically some behaviors and reactions that are indicative of a marriage that truly is over and there are some which indicate that it’s not really “the end.” I’ll discuss this more in the following article.Strong Negative Emotions Like Jealousy, Fear, And Anger Are Not Indications That It’s Time To End The Marriage: Often when people contact me and ask if they should end their marriage, I believe that they are really looking for someone to validate for them what it really is that they want to do. In other words, they want someone to approve or bless the decision. To be fair, you should know that I trend toward saving marriages when it is at all possible.Often, they will tell me things like “we can’t even stand to be in the same room together,” or “I feel so angry when I am with him,” and then think that these things are proof that it’s time to cut the losses and end the marriage. In fact, negative emotions based on possession, jealousy, anger, and fear are often indicative of quite the opposite. These things are often only proof that you still care enough, are affected enough, and still involved enough in the situation to experience these strong emotions.I know that this often isn’t what you want to hear, but it is the truth. You would not be this upset or this affected if this person did not matter to or effect you as they do. In contrast, people who are really at the natural and healthy end to their relationships feel indifference. They aren’t angry. They aren’t afraid. They don’t blame. If they feel anything it all, it is to wish their partner well. They are pretty much at peace with their decision because they knew they did everything that they could, which brings me to my next point.Knowing That You Did Everything You Could Is Often The First Step To Knowing You’re At The Natural End Of Your Marriage: Often the sense of doubt, insecurity, and indecision comes with the knowledge that you’ve been holding back in some way. Perhaps you know that there are things that you could have said but didn’t, or places where you might have given a little but didn’t, or things that the two of you might have tried but decided not to, for whatever reason.This often leaves you with the sinking feeling of uncertainty. You are left to wonder “what if.” What if you had said the things that you held back, of had given a little more and demanded a little less? What if you had tried counseling or a went with a different counselor? Granted, these things may have still left you at a dead end, but you have no way to know that if you didn’t try.So I often tell people who are asking me to validate their decision to end their marriage that I’m reluctant to do that until I know that they have really fully followed every possible lead. In order to walk away with peace and without doubt, you simply should not skip these steps. It’s the only way to know that you did all you could.Getting To A Place Of Indifference (And Why I Suspect That You Aren’t There Yet): People who know that their marriage is over (without having to ask) are often indifferent. What I mean by this is that there is no anger, or resentment, or even any additional questions. It’s just become clear that although they may well still feel affection for their spouse, the marriage was not the right thing for either of them. In short, they are both better off apart than together and this is obvious to them both because they both know that they’ve uncovered every stone and rock to get to the place where they are.A therapist used to ask me (when I was having my own martial issues) how I would respond if I saw my husband out after five years of being divorced. She would set up a whole scenario: he now has a beautiful new wife and a new family. He was doing well professionally and was very successful, etc. How would I feel if I saw them?Of course, the “right” answer here is that I would’ve felt happy for him. I would’ve felt no remorse and no tug at my heart because I voluntarily set him free when I was in a happy place. And, since I couldn’t possibly say that, my therapists’ theory was that I was still “stuck” because I knew deep down that I hadn’t earned my way out by doing everything that was needed to try to work it out first. It was he who wanted to end things, but was I giving up too easily?Although I didn’t think it at the time, this was very good advice. I wasn’t over my husband and I wasn’t ready to walk away from my marriage – although my pride and my anger didn’t allow me to see this at that time. I was no where near being indifferent. The fundamentals between my husband and I hadn’t changed, but the circumstances around us had and we had allowed that to project itself onto our marriage. I went about rectifying this in all the wrong ways. It wasn’t until I changed my attitude and checked my anger that I started to make real progress.And, often, if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. People who know that the time has come don’t go looking for validation and aren’t researching this topic. They are peace with this and they don’t need anyone to tell them they are right. They know it already.
Communication is a process of sending a message through a medium to the receiver. It basically means to pass on or share or exchange views, information, ideas, knowledge, feelings and emotions.Lack of communication is the cause of most marital problems. There could be a minor or a major information distortion. Lack of communication is the mother of frustrations in a marriage.Types of CommunicationThere are two major types of communication:a. Verbal: This could be in form of discussion, argument, whisper, murmur, rebuke, protest, command, encourage, praise, appeal, gossip, instruct, correct, appreciate, etc.b. Nonverbal: This could be signs or signals. This could be in form of nose twitching, hissing, door slamming, bunching of legs, clapping, touching, winking of eyes, etc.Kinds of Communication1. Zero Communication: This is when there is no communication at all between the couples. When couples are no more in talking term. This show a sign of a family that is about to fall. Lack of communication in the home is a threat to the peaceful existence of the family.2. Plastic Communication: This is when communication has no root, not sincere, not direct. This shows a sign of a poisoned relationship. Guard your marriage against such communication which does not have its root in total sincerity and faithfulness.3. Negative Communication: This involves dangerous communication. It involves negative communication like cursing, murmuring, abusing or insulting, protesting, etc.4. Bulk Communication: This is handling a lot of issues at the same time, thereby confusing the receiver. Thereby affecting the rate of understanding between couples.5. Half Communication: This is making incomplete statements which could be refer to as half truths.6. Object Communication: Directing one’s comment to object instead of addressing the subject. For instance, the husband may look at a badly prepared soup and say “You this peppery soup how I wish I had somebody with good sense that can prepare you better, I would have enjoyed you”. By saying this he is passing a message across to the wife that the soup is bad. Though in a wrong way.7. Subject Communication: This is the situation when a person addresses the subject instead of the object of discussion. The husband of a woman that cooked a bad food may say, “Woman, you have been careless in everything, everything you do in this house is bad” instead of telling the wife how badly the food was prepared, may be peppery, or salty, he is busy castigating the woman. It could not be true, that the woman has never done anything right in that house.8. Sandwich Communication: This is the level of communication that combines both negative and positive to produce a positive result. It is like commendation, correction and condemnation. For example, “Darling, thank you for this wonderful food. You can just try to reduce the pepper tomorrow; all the same it is a wonderful meal. I always say you are the best cook”. This kind of woman will take to the correction of her husband without any grudges because of the commendation.9. Extra Mile Communication: This is when a partner goes beyond commendation to sing the praise of his partner calling him beautiful names and telling him how handsome he is. These kinds of communication are missing in our home today that is why we encounter diverse problems in marriages today. Check your own marriage, check the level of communication in your home and change for good. Allow God to use your mouth for the betterment of your home.
Here is a brief rundown of a couple of scenarios that you may be able to relate to at this very minute, these are not new by any means but it is critical that you are able to identify and take immediate action TODAY.The first scenario is that one of you in your marriage is either having an affair or has been found out having an affair.OK, let’s start with your in an affair now situation and you are at the stage where you are wondering if the person that you have been seeing is the person you should leave your partner for. Is that right? Carefully you’re weighing them up against each other mentally.Let’s get the check list out right now, the sex is fantastic and the best you have had for years, they are fun to be with, they make your heart skip a beat when you see them. Secret little rendezvous stolen moments are bliss.Stop for one moment and think, wasn’t that how it used to be when you were first dating your partner? Doesn’t it always start off like that when you are with someone that is new and you are always on your best behaviour? They don’t see you in a feral mood or when you’re grotty from doing something in the garden or doing your laundry. The person you’re having an affair with only sees you at your best this is not living in the real world it is living in the honeymoon stage that everyone knows is short lived.Imagine, if you put just a fraction of the time into your marriage that you have put into the affair how different it would be. To be able to surprise your partner with little messages on a post it note that you put into their lunch or on the shaving cabinet so they will find this when you have gone to work.At this point you could turn the tables, end the affair immediately and start to go into salvage mode. If the person you are seeing is in your work place leave the job NOW. Nothing could be worth the amount of emotional drain that this will be to both you and your partner. Besides if you think your affair has gone unnoticed at work your very much mistaken people are talking.What about if you hadn’t thought that far down the track and your partner has been suspicious that you may be having an affair and somehow they have found evidence on your mobile that has your affair has now been confirmed.The shit has now hit the fan, all details comes spewing out. There are tears, threats to leave and at this very moment you realise the game you were playing by having the affair is coming at the biggest cost as you see your marriage crumbling away in front of you.It was never meant to be like this, you now know in your heart that you want to still be married to this person in front of you. All trust has gone, you can see the hurt in their eyes as they ask “don’t you love me anymore”?The dust will eventually settle and as things become more rational there is much work to be done to help heal the hurt, anger and mistrust that has been done through having the affair.You must be patient with your partner, but this is what you will need to do now to help the healing process. If the affair was in your workplace you need to leave work now, do this immediately as this will help your partner your partner to heal and they will take you serious that you want to make your marriage work.For them knowing that you are going to the same workplace where the person you’re having the affair works will be too much torture for them to deal with on a daily basis.Be prepared for sex to stop over this time while the healing is in progress, you will need to slowly get back to basics to help them feel loved and wanted again. Remember you need to put everything into this marriage and go the extra mile, do more for your partner by being attentive, talk openly either between yourselves or with a counsellor or go to my website for helpful resource information in order to get it all out in the open, wipe the slate clean as you don’t want to keep rehashing the affair. By keep going over and over it is none productive and is like picking at a sore it will never heal.As things progress and all of this will take time, do start to look at it like a new beginning and a time to discover why you fell in love with each other in the first place.The courting will be gradual will start with holding hands and reconnecting again, shoulder rubs, written little notes and lots of hugs will eventually heal their heart and make your marriage strong.
OK - you see your marriage crumbling; but want to stop your divorce. Your spouse said it’s over, and you want to learn ways on how to save your marriage. But you need to know what you should EXACTLY avoid to do. These are very important, because most spouses in troubled marriages do these things and expect to save their marriage; but in the end all they accomplish is to make the divorce even more painful.1. “I must do everything quickly and fix my marriage as soon as possible!”This is a “gut instinct” which I unfortunately know too well. When your spouse wants a divorce for a certain reason, you want it to be repaired as soon as possible. But what you should know is that you are in a marriage and that certain issue has built over some time. So it’s not possible to fix it right away with just an action. It’s very important that you actually understand what your spouse is talking about – what the problem is; and then deal with the problem in a thoughtful manner, not in a gut instinct.2. “I should suggest my spouse to separate for a short time and have time to think. This way I’ll postpone the thoughts.”Unfortunately, you should definitely avoid this as well if you want to save your marriage. If your spouse needs time to think, you can provide it by simply not being together for every hour of the week. You don’t need to live at different places as it will prepare both of you for more individuality, which works against your marriage.3. “I should beg to my spouse.”This is the exact gut feeling I had when my husband said he wanted a divorce. If you say “I’m very sorry! I promise this will never happen again, I will change!” that will do nothing to save your marriage and will further damage your credibility; as it will establish the fact that you’re sorry not for making the mistake; but for that it caused your marriage trouble. You have to sincerely understand the problem and deal with it in a credible way – do not lie that you are sorry when you’re sorry for not the mistake but for the negative effects it had on your marriage.
If your marriage has changed over time you may want to learn how to be loved by your husband more. It’s frustrating and disheartening to be married to a man who seems more distant emotionally than when you two first wed. It’s no surprise that everyday life events can take the wind out of the sails of even the most passionate of marriages. If you’ve been feeling as though your husband is drifting away from you emotionally, there are ways you can pull him back so he’s closer now than he’s ever been before.Understanding how to be loved by your husband more starts with recognizing that both of you have changed since the day you wed. Over time a couple is bound to suffer through some periods when they don’t feel as connected to each other. Men handle this type of situation much differently than women do. We tend to become overly emotional and panic. Our goal is to remedy the situation as fast as we possibly can, but men don’t feel this same urgency at all. They prefer to sit and wait. They want to think through their feelings and in many cases a man can find his way back to being deeply in love with his wife, if he’s left alone. So each and every time you feel the need to barrage him with questions about what he’s feeling, don’t. Give him some space and he’ll soon realize just how much you mean to him.You must also never lose sight of the fact that you are your own person. Many women fail to see this and it’s easy to understand how that happens. When a woman becomes a wife and then a mother, she will often push her own needs and desires aside in favor of what her family requires. If you are guilty of doing this, you’re hurting the primary relationship you have with your spouse. You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Your husband wants to be married to someone who is not only caring, loving and responsible, but also someone who is passionate about her own interests and full of life. Your husband will instantly be more attracted to you if you follow your own dreams. Show him that you’re still the well rounded, fascinating woman he fell in love with.
In reality, relationship with muddled marital affairs can be too complicated even if you have kissed and made up. There is that breach of trust marital affairs and a betrayal of love that is hard to restore. How can you restore the affairs after a betrayed vow? It is harder to face the world of reality than seeing things in the movies or reading stories from a bestseller.It also takes tons and tons of explanations if ever you are discovered as an unfaithful spouse. These illicit relationships can always lead to divorce, broken homes, juvenile delinquents and a lot of social-related consequences that affect most particularly your children. Having extra-marital affairs is like swimming in a pool of mud with a freak! It takes too much courage for a married person to muddling in such situation.Whether legitimate or illegitimate children they are equally victims of the wrong doings of their biological or putative parents. Have you ever considered the outcome and impact of your actions on your family? Have you thought about your children and how they feel of what you have done? There are just some people who cannot stay loyal to their marital affairs. The helpless victims in situations like these are the innocent children.Relationships can come and go but it is truly different if marital affairs are involved. These involve deeper and more domestic issues which should not be for everybody’s concern. However, if the marriage is tarnished with extra-marital issues the whole world seems to rock. It is quite hard to deal with and very painful aside from too humiliating!There are expert counselors and professionals who can address on these matters. If you think you are confronted with these types of problems, you can seek professional advice online. You can visit some websites that can deal with your peculiar concern regarding marital affairs.