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Arguments Are Tearing My Marriage Apart – What Should I Do?

You probably don’t need me to tell you that arguments are unhealthy. Clearing the air is fine, telling each other how you feel is fine. Arguing isn’t. If you feel the need to argue with your partner on a regular basis, it usually means frustration has built up to a point where you don’t feel you can communicate in a calm and rational manner.Do you find that during these arguments, you say things you don’t mean? Do you bring up irrelevant issues and events from the past? Do you find that after the argument you have to keep away from your partner for a while, maybe days at a time? If the answer is ‘yes’ to these questions then your marriage is not in a good place and it’s up to you both to take action to fix it. That is, if you want to fix it. As you are here reading this article, there’s a good chance you do, and even if you don’t – you probably want to move forward from this negative place you’re currently in. Whether that is individually, or as a couple is something you are going to have to find out. How you do that is completely up to you. Perhaps now is the time to reflect on the marriage as a whole and analyze the exact areas that are contributing to it currently being unhappy.It’s up to you to decide whether you want to continue living in an unhappy marriage or if you are going to take action and move forward.

Rituals in a Happy Marriage – Couple Glue For the Two of You

“At the core, what rituals do is, they give you a sense of history, predictability, playfulness or something to look forward to.” – Dr. Carol Bruess, author of What Happy Couples Do.Everyone has rituals whether they realize it or not. Married couples have a lot of rituals, and they act as a kind of glue that holds the union intact, even in good times. Maybe especially in good times. The word ritual in fact, has the same root as the word rite, which is the act that makes us married people in the first place. From Latin ‘ritus’ via middle English for descriptions of ceremonies, the word has a long history with communities and couples. It also gave us the word arithmetic, originally meaning to count, or pronounce noteworthy. From the Encyclopedia Brittanica “Ritual is a specific, observable mode of behavior exhibited by all known societies. It is thus possible to view ritual as a way of defining or describing humans.”All known societies. That means all of us. In marriage, though, the rituals of our daily interaction describe not just the initiation or onset of a new status or identification, but an ongoing behavior that almost identifies us to each other. Think of the Newlywed Game TV show many years ago. Those young, or not so young, couples were asked to identify behaviors of their mates. Then the recently off-stage mate was asked to identify with those behaviors. It was interesting to note how many times couples got it wrong, meaning that one or the other didn’t recognize a ritual as such. Over time, those people will see more clearly the ways those behaviors impact their mate and the relationship.Rituals run the gamut from heartwarming to irritating, and everything in between. Some define roles in the relationship: he takes out the trash; she irons clothes, or the other way around. In some marriages he decides on vehicle matters; she defines the house and its contents. He might organize the vacation, while she sets up child care and the kennel.But the rituals that truly matter in a relationship are the fun, romantic, bonding behaviors that are like the DNA of the marriage. Call it couple glue. Here’s a list of wonderful rituals gathered over many years. They’re loving, fun, even fascinating snippets of creative outreach between people fortunate enough to be deeply in love with their mates, regardless of the number of years together. And the exhilarating part is, they’re available for use by everyone.Love notes–the old standby. Leave them everywhere, and at random. They don’t have to be extensive. In fact, shorter is better. Forget Twitter–write something.A single flower goes a long way.Be on the lookout for casual announcements from your mate such as “I’d sure like to…” Make that happen, and you’re the most romantic spouse on earth.After ‘hello’, say something uplifting and complimentary. “Have I told you lately that I adore you?” is far better than “Did you remember to cancel the paper?” Make it a ritual.Whisper. It’s incredibly romantic, and it drives the kids nuts. Great ritual.Home from work, just snuggle in complete silence for long minutes.Anticipate chores they hate, and do them ahead of time. This is love in action.Nicnames may sound silly, but they identify you. ‘Goofball, Fred, Betty, snuggle-butt, sexpot, honey-bear, there are a thousand of them, a million maybe.Remember their parents’ anniversaries/birthdays/death dates/red letter days.Two words: Chocolate and Port.Call them out of the blue.Carve your initials in a tree. Yes, inside a heart.Guys–open her car door for her. Old fashioned? Sure, that’s the point.Women–talk him up. Men simply love it when wives brag, especially if it’s true.Never share a mate’s deficiencies with anyone.Guys–listen.Women–tell your mate what you want.Guys–no teasing, about anything.Women–no criticizing, just pose ‘opportunities to improve’.Select a keyword. Use it for ‘rescue me’, or ‘I need you to listen’, or ‘I’d rather not invite the Johnsons to dinner because they snipe at each other’. Keywords are handy. My wife and I use ‘fascinating’, as in, ‘The Johnsons are fascinating people, dear’. Guess who doesn’t get invited? Another, somewhat more exciting keyword can signal a desire for sex. The secret there is that every couple has one of these already whether they acknowledge it or not.Rituals are such a critical part of relationships it’s good to identify the ones that define ours. Everyone has them; everyone needs them. It may even be more important to identify those which cause us irritation and discomfort over time–the way dirty clothes are left around, closets in disarray, those after dinner retreats to the den, leaving dirty dishes. Those are rituals, too. They may hold us together in ways we didn’t anticipate, minor irritations that we mention to friends in negative ways. In that regard we ought to turn them around, insert positives in their place, and reap the reward of their impact on the relationship.Maybe the best ritual of all is to simply show gratitude for everything your mate does. Marriage isn’t all sweetness and light, after all. It involves the interaction of two people who will have two different styles in everything from money to sex to clutter, to child-rearing. The best way to steer clear of petty clashes and irritation about those stylistic differences is to find something positive about the issue at hand, and be grateful for the way your mate handles it. Gratitude goes a long way to soothing upsets. It’s a good ritual to acquire in any marriage. Couple glue should be warm and bonding. Great rituals can help make that happen. Remember, ritual sounds a lot like rich.

Communication Levels in Marriage

Communication is imperative in the pursuit of marital success. There are three levels of communication in marriage. These are:LEVEL 1 – Talking about others: At this level, couples will only talk about other people like; friends, children or about issues. This may involve politics, education, current affairs, children school fees, church, Sunday school business.At this level, the discussion will not involve the couple themselves but rather on other things. Most couples relate only on this level and this level of communication only make a distant friend. Stopping at this level on the ladder of communication is very dangerous. Couples on level one communication should please note that they have a lot of work to do to make God happy in their marriage and to make their home conducive for the Holy Spirit.LEVEL 2 – Talking about themselves: Under this level, couples are not just talking about others or issues, but in addition talks about themselves. At this level, couples have moved a little bit on the ladder of good communication. They’ve started talking about themselves, this is a healthy development as it will allow them to understand themselves better and will bring them closer to each other and will make their marriage enjoyable.I will like to encourage couples to make sure they get to this level of communication; it will allow them to understand each other better and will turn them into friends and good parents.LEVEL 3 – Talking about their feelings: This is a level where couples are not talking about themselves only, but also talks about their sadness, joy, doubt, belief, pain, reservation, happiness, apprehension. At level three, couples are talking about what the other partner cannot see, feel, touch or perceive marriage. The counselors calls it ‘Sanctuary level’.Until you get to this level in your communication, you can never make your marriage what you want it to be. Hence, learn to go beyond one and two, decide to get to this “sanctuary level” where you can enjoy your marriage to the maximum.

How to Save Your Marriage When Your Spouse Falls For Someone Else

To know that your spouse is having an extra marital affair should not ideally come as a surprise in today’s time and age. There was a time when men were accepted to be genetically polygamous. Not any more – research has revealed that even women can look for ‘greener pastures’ and decide to leave their husbands of many decades. Of course, divorce is not the inevitable next step in an extra marital affair. It could also be some innocent flirting. Whatever be the final outcome of such dangerous liaisons, the crux of the matter still remains that there are some cracks in the marriage which needs to be fixed. Therefore you need to get your plans ready to save your marriage as soon as you see the first cracks, or the situation might go out of hand.We are excluding any ‘one night stands’ from this discussion since they remain usually at that stage. If they go beyond, it is time to take note of such developments to save your marriage. At the outset it must be remembered that no body can fulfill all the dreams, demands and aspirations of another person, however close and committed they may be. Over and above fulfilling our basic needs, all of us are looking for something else in our partner which satisfies our other senses. For example, many of us need support, understanding, intellectual trigger and cooperation for our creative pursuits. We need emotional stimulation and partnership in a host of other activities, many of which may not appeal to the spouse. Becoming aware of such needs of your spouse is essential to save your marriage.Of course there could also be significant vacuum in other areas of basic needs, including sex – which is considered to be one of the most important factors in keeping a marriage going. So, to save your marriage, not only should you accept such realities but also give a closer look at your own shortcomings. Look for vacuums in your marriage where the other person has simply walked in and occupied an important position in the psyche of your spouse. There are two ways you can view the situation: you accept that a breakup is inevitable no matter what efforts you make to save your marriage, since you are not equipped to fill-in many of the ‘vacuum areas’; or, confront the situation gracefully by accepting the reality and then make attempts to save your marriage.Since there are plenty of ways you can approach the problem of a third person in the marriage, let us talk about some of the common events. Suppose the third person is a friend. However angry and hurt you might be about this cruel betrayal, keeping the goal to save your marriage in mind, you need to politely confront the person and ask him or her to move out. Be prepared to face initial resentment and mud slinging, but you stick to your point and chances are that your spouse takes the developments positively and respects your attempts to save your marriage. But remember never to broach this topic with your spouse ever again in future, after you have been successful in your efforts to save your marriage.What should you do in case you do not know the intruder? To handle this development with as much grace as possible, you need to have a frank and candid discussion with your spouse. Know what his/her plans are? If your spouse is expressive and communicative enough, get to know why he or she fell in love with this person. Was it due to some of your shortcomings or was it a momentary lack of reasoning? If it is the former, to save your marriage, you need to take immediate and visible steps to rectify the shortcomings as much as possible. But if it is the latter, you do not have to worry too much to save your marriage, as your spouse would see sense as soon after the initial charm wears off.To save your marriage when your spouse is having an extra marital affair is undoubtedly tough, but with time, tenacity, patience, understanding and a lot of love you could emerge as the winner in the race.

Tips to Save Your Marriage From Falling Apart

There are two ways you can look at an unhappy marriage. The pessimistic way to look at it is to believe that the situation is beyond redemption and irretrievable. Any attempt to save your marriage would only be a self-defeating exercise. This is not only a fatalistic point of view but also demeaning to your own morale while continuing with the pain till the bubble bursts. However, there is a slightly more positive way to look at the situation when you believe that there could still be light at the end of the tunnel. After all your spouse is still physically present and possibly both of you are still on talking terms, whatever little the duration of communication may be. The fact is that you both have not yet got divorced and legally separated; this means that you still have several opportunities to work on to repair the cracks and save your marriage.If you have been trying to save your marriage for some time now, chances are that you have heard or read many tips and techniques to start and go about the process. If you are fatalistic, none of these otherwise proven tips are going to work – since primarily in your subconscious mind you have already accepted defeat. However, if you still believe in yourself and your love for your spouse, you could fine-tune the tips given below, depending on your own specific situation. Remember no tip to save your marriage can be 100% foolproof because only a couple knows how to work on their specific issues, and there is no ‘universal formula’ that works well with every human mind.Tip #1: Depending on the communication ability of your spouse, it might be a good idea to get him or her into a joint discussion about issues that are affecting the marriage. In stead of shooting arrows in the dark, such frank and open communication would also give you enough information about how the other mind is working. To save your marriage, the intention has to be equally strong on both sides. Or else, it would turn into a one actor drama where one person simply sits back and enjoys the show.Tip #2: If you have got even a vague idea of what has caused your spouse to turn against the marriage, focus on correcting that particular aspect of your action or behavior. It could be something to do with your lifestyle, habits, friends, etc. While you are attempting to save your marriage, never think that you are making great sacrifices and you are paving the way to martyrdom. Many changes are perhaps necessary not just to save your marriage but also for your own good.Tip #3: Try and involve more people in your family. At these times the company of humorous and well-meaning friends help as the crowd somehow diffuses the situation. Of course make sure that you involve people who are liked by your spouse. Depending on the age of your children and whether they are willing to help out in the situation by lightening the charged environment, you could ask them to join in also, to save your marriageEssentially, to save your marriage is not an easy task. It does not matter whether it is a marriage which is only a few years old or a few decades. There are positively good enough issues in the marriage which is unbearable for one of the partners and that is the time when things start to get sour. But if both of you feel true love and respect for each other, you can make some sincere efforts to save your marriage, which would yield the desired results sooner than later.

Ways to Get Your Husband to Fall Back in Love With You – Helpful Advice For Wives

As a marriage matures the couple can find themselves drifting apart emotionally and physically. This is very difficult for a woman who is still very much in love with her spouse. If you feel that your husband and you just aren’t as connected as you once were, don’t give up hope. Although you may feel that divorce is looming on the horizon, it doesn’t have to be the only option. There are ways to get your husband to fall back in love with you again. Not only can this save your relationship it can actually result in him loving you more now than he ever has before.One of the ways to get your husband to fall back in love with you is to consider how you’ve been treating him recently as opposed to when you two first married. Granted, having children, a career to tend to and bills to pay does change the dynamic of a marriage, but were there any specific occurrences that resulted in you two facing conflict? If a couple argues over something in particular and that argument is never resolved it can lead to all kinds of resentment and negative feelings. Perhaps your husband is still holding a grudge over something that occurred years or months ago. He may not even be aware that he’s doing this. Think back to anything that may have caused damage to the foundation of the marriage and then work to resolve that with him. You may have to compromise on this one issue, but making him love you more is well worth that.Often times if a man feels neglected he’ll start to focus less and less on his wife. If you’ve been pushing time with him to the back burner in favor of doing things together as a family, he may feel less important and that can cause his feelings to change. One of the best ways to get your husband to fall back in love is to focus only on him for at least a few hours a week. If you can do this on a daily or nightly basis, that’s even better. Ensure he knows that you adore him and that you want to spend time just with him. Make him feel special all over again and he’ll start to feel closer to you emotionally again.

Making Marriage Work – The Art of Good Communication

In every culture and walk of life, it’s widely recognized and acknowledged that communication is one of the key factors in making marriage work. Just how important is it? Can improving this area even help to save a troubled marriage? Let’s investigate.Imagine for a moment you are having a conversation on the telephone. You hear someone through the receiver and talk through the mouthpiece. It is give and take on both sides of the lines and we rarely talk over each other and we have always listen carefully to what the other person is saying. The kind of give and take communication we have over the telephone should resemble the kind of conversations we have with our spouse in person.Communication is the most important relationship skill one can have, particularly when it comes to marriage. So why is it we let ourselves get into such bad habits when it comes to communicating with one another? Why do we listen halfheartedly and give one word answers that leaves the other feeling we are not interested in what they have to say?What can we do about this? How do we learn to communicate more effectively in our marriage? We don’t really need to learn any new skills. We just need to make a conscious effort to listen to what the other is saying, and concentrate on how we speak to one another. This is easier said than done in today’s busy world, but it needs to be done in order for your marriage to thrive. Set aside a time each day, after you put the kids to bed is usually the perfect time. If you don’t have any children set aside a time were you are both relaxed either in the morning before work or in the evening at meal time is a great place to start. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time just 10-20 minutes a day. Set a timer if you need to. When your partner is speaking try to make them the center of attention. Look at them and make eye contact. Try to put all other thoughts out of your head, don’t think about that sink full of dishes that won’t do themselves or that a TV programme is coming on in 5 minutes. Use body language to show you are listening, give a little nod or a smile. When they have finished, ask a relevant question or give a comment to let them know you have listened and understood what they have said. When you listen to someone wholeheartedly they are likely to show you the same respect in return.  Never underestimate just how vital communication is.  As I said when I began this article, it’s a vital component of making marriage work. 

How to Save Your Marriage – Advice For Saving Your Troubled Marriage From a Divorce

If more people asked for ways on how to save your marriage, we wouldn’t have this 87% marriage failure rate we have now. It is easy to walk away from a marriage – whoever wants to save a marriage is taking the hard path, and should be commended.The most common thing people do when they want to save a marriage is to try to fix everything at once, by telling their spouses that they fully understand the problems and they won’t happen again. This won’t work, and when it doesn’t work; you are forced to take more dramatic actions such as begging your spouse for forgiveness and a second chance. You absolutely have to avoid this path.Saving a marriage requires the correct mindset. The “I have to fix everything at once” mindset is actually formed by panic and desperation and is, as before told, the wrong way to go. The correct thing to do is to enter the right mindset – I call this the “marriage saving mood”. Without this “mood”, you can’t save your marriage.This mood requires being calm, as opposed to the panic-driven desperation. You have to relax, be calmer. This will allow you to look at everything from a wider angle, and really understand the problems in your marriage, consider their underlying causes; and having a plan to fix those causes and save your marriage.Being calm serves another very important purpose: when you are panicked, you try to do everything at once, and this requires you continuously try to talk and press your spouse on various issues; which will make your spouse even more fed up with you, and will certainly work against you. When you are calm, you will give your spouse precious alone time to reconsider everything.

The Importance of Marriage Seminars

One of the reasons why couples decide to get married is because they want to spend more time together. As soon as the honeymoon is over, the demands of daily life hit you from every direction and it becomes very difficult to spend some time together. The demands could be work related and this makes it very difficult to have enough time for your family and spouse. The demands of life do not go away, they are continuous, waxing and waning and you can’t simply wish them away.One of the forces which may come between you and your spouse are children. If you want to protect your relationship you cannot afford to sit down and wait for the inevitable. One effective method of protecting your marriage is by attending the weekend marriage seminars.The most common sponsors of the marriage seminars are churches but they can also sponsored by various psychological groups. Marriage seminars sponsored by churches usually stress spirituality. Marriage seminars sponsored by psychological groups usually stress the use of mediation tools. All these weekend seminars have the same benefits its only that they apply different methodology to reach the same goal.When you go for the marriage seminars, all the distractions which usually come your way are removed. These distractions include; phones, bosses, children, and family and debt collectors.The marriage seminars also help you meet other married couples. Sometimes we tend to lose track of our friends because we are so wrapped up in our daily live. The attending couples in the seminars are allowed to meet other couples who are experiencing the same problems as they are. In order to heal and grow you need to share your problems with other couples so that you can share insights. When you hear what other couples have been able to overcome it becomes some source of inspiration.Whether the marriage seminar is spiritual or meditative the couples are reminded the important aspect of taking some time to breath. This helps stimulate and bring your marriage back to life. There are various classes offered during these seminars such as; trust building activities, individual counseling, group counseling and various activities with other married couples.The marriage seminars will provide you with a free look at your marriage and relationship which is very important. The main reason why many marriages break is because of lack of communication. The whole idea of the marriage seminars is to try and open up communication within the marriage.

Why a Patchwork of Marriage Laws Won’t Work

This story is from two men in California, a gay couple who wed in 2008 during the so-called window of equality, prior to proposition 8 that effectively ended same-sex marriage, for now, in the Golden State.”In a historic 1948 decision, the California Supreme Court held that each citizen’s fundamental constitutional right to marry was really no right at all, unless it meant the freedom to “”marry the person of one’s choice.”" My parents married in the International House at Berkeley, the very same place they’d met. But as they moved to other states, they found that each state’s laws treated their marriage differently simply because of their races. While looking for a house in Missouri, they learned that Missouri law prohibited marriage between whites and “Negroes” or “Mongolians,” the term then used for most Asian Americans.”It wasn’t until 1967 that the US Supreme Court overturned all such laws when the court declared marriage is one of the “basic rights of man.”This is a fascinating case study in the history of the struggle for marriage equality in this country. This heartrending tale shows why a patchwork of laws concerning civil marriage will never work in the United States. Author Jonathan Rauch in his landmark book Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America ©2004 Jonathan Rauch , the author cites an example of his own when he refers to his eventual marriage to his partner of 18 years. If they were to wed in Virginia where Rauch lives, then he drove to DC where he works, as he drove across the bridge he would no longer be married. We can refer to the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution that guarantees equal protection under the law in this matter. The hodgepodge of legal protections, stipulations and exemptions will be a nightmare for everyone until civil marriage equality is the law nationwide.That said, the process will be better served if each state endeavors to establish civil marriage equality. The memory of the abortion rights case of 1973 is instructive. Roe v. Wade was decided in favor of a woman’s right to choose an abortion by the nation’s highest court. In the intervening 36 years the issue has still not been completely settled in this country. We have to wonder if the situation would be different had each state decided on its own.Just so with civil marriage equality. Once a number of states adopt such laws, erasing discrimination from their books, a tipping point will be reached, and all the remaining states will fall in line. In the meantime, the six states that now allow gays and lesbians to marry have demonstrated a progressive stance on this issue, and are leading the way. But until civil marriage equality is reality nationwide there will be a patchwork of domestic partnerships, civil unions, civil marriage and assorted other arrangements, what Rauch terms ‘marriage lite’. He goes on to say, with some justification, that these so-called marriage lite relationships are one of the most corrosive factors to marriage insofar as they dilute the message we as a society ought to be sending. Marriage confers a large array of benefits, protections and rights on two people entering into it. What society should be doing is saying, if you want the rights and benefits of marriage, get married! Instead, at this point, and until the tipping point of civil marriage equality is reached, we’re creating a patchwork of marriage lite arrangements, thus, ironically, devaluing traditional marriage.Imagine if Ohio had a law that codified a stop at a red light. Then imagine that Indiana’s law said stop at a yellow light. Kentucky may have us stop at a green, or blue, or lavender light. Each state may use different shapes for their street signs, different currency in business transactions, or drive on the opposite side of the road. It might be very interesting for a time, and a challenge for the daring among us, not to mention a boon for travel agents. But it would be an odd situation at best, and chaotic at worst. In the early days of our republic this was exactly the case. There was a real patchwork of laws, observations and practices, and it took time, and in some instances the intervention of the federal government to equalize and level the field.This is what needs to happen with civil marriage equality. Over time, as more and more states undo the discriminatory restrictions to gay marriage, at some point the entire nation will move in the direction of equality as it has so often in the past. Then the patchwork will come together, more closely resembling the more perfect union that we have always aspired to be.

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