Relationship Stage Analysis as a Marriage Counseling ProcessWhy do I do what I do as a Marriage Counseling Professional? This article elaborates on this theme.As an effective Psychologist, Relationship Advice provider, Life coach and Marriage Counseling practitioner, while working to save a relationship, I find it very helpful to form an opinion as to the current “stage” of the relationship.Here I explain the ‘how’ and ‘why’ behind this practice.Many scholars and practitioners agree that relationships generally go through five phases of development: Honeymoon, Accommodation, Challenge, Cross Roads, and Rebirth.Phase 1: The Honeymoon This is the romantic, passionate, stars-in-the-eyes phase. I either get the impression that sex is good and there is never enough of it, or I stop and ask about it. There ought to be plenty of attraction and sexuality between them and if not, it becomes a priority in my discussion. The Psychologist role is leading here.Phase 2: Accommodation We all have to deal with the day-to-day realities of life. In the Accommodation stage, compromises are made regarding the fulfillment of our needs and expectations. As a result we engage, from time to time, in power struggles when our partners’ habits, needs, anger and withdrawal patterns become uncomfortable to us. It is important for me to question the proportion of these struggles to the entire marriage experience. A few examples are “how soon’, ‘how much’, and ‘how intensive’. I have an opportunity to learn from this stage the potential strength of the couple in problem solving, managing conflict, and their communication patterns. The Life Coach role is the leading one here.Phase 3: The Challenge Starting a new job, dealing with unemployment or the unfortunate occurrence of an accident or family illness are events that allow me to assess how strong the relationship is. It is fair to say that challenges are usually unwanted but nevertheless necessary for the couple if they really want to know what to expect from each other. I also need to know these expectations also. Raising children is a positive challenge; I definitely need to know how it reflects each partners’ qualities and their value system and ability to prioritize the family’s future needs. I’m a typical Marriage Counseling professional here…Phase 4: The Crossroads When a couple reaches this stage they have experienced a number of challenges (e.g. medical or money problems). In addition, more life decisions will be made (e.g. to have children, where to live, spending habits). This stage is different from the Challenge Phase because the couple has learned how each responds to these situations. This is the stage in which I learn how mature their emotional patterns are in dealing with their differences. It is most common at this stage for serious problems to develop. Typically, I expect to hear one or more from the following three: debates and regrets regarding the relationship, emotional withdrawal as a survival mechanism and attempts to force the other person to drastically change. When both individuals clearly see this progression I am able to offer a therapeutic strategy. Here I can fully exercise my role as a Relationship Advice provider.Phase 5: Rebirth (New marriage lifestyle) 70-75% of all couples whom I have counseled have reached this positive stage of a “new beginning”. At this point, folks really know the person they have married; couples feel once again appreciated and loved. It is my scientific Psychologist role practice to arrange a one-year follow-up consultation either in person or by phone to gather the qualitative as well as quantitative data in order to identify the couples’ continued ability to positively communicate with each other their disappointments, hurts, frustrations and most importantly their sexual intimacy.
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The most valuable of arts is the art of living, and the best art of living is the art of marriage.Money, sex, parenting and household responsibilities are topics that couples argue about most often. But it’s not what you argue about, but how you go about it that can strengthen or weaken a marriage.People complain from time to time about spouses. Wives complain a lot, and most husbands are upset because they don’t understand what is going on. The more upset men become, the more defensive women become. Men accuse, and then women react. Women feel doubly oppressed. First, by the profound physical experience women are going through. Second, women have the sinking sense of betrayal by their unaware and unhelpful men.Complaining is a good sign that a wife is still trying to mend the relationship and she still cares about the marriage. The biggest hint of major trouble is when a wife who’s been complaining suddenly stops which means that she’s given up hope.A certain amount of arguing is inevitable, but couples need some balance in the way they handle arguments. The balance way is that the one who withdraws to withdraw less, and the one who pursues to pursue less.There is no right answer for couple’s argument. The Chinese say: “The best judge can not judge an argument between a wife and a husband.” But, there is a rule about family argument, which is never ever to hurt spouse’s ego.If we understand this that all family arguments share one hope: For the best of their families, couples will strength their marriages through arguments.
Anyone going through a rocky time in their marriage at the moment would feel for anyone having difficulty in dealing with a marriage separation. It is a very sad time for anyone having to endure a marriage breakup.A recent study conducted by the Chicago University found that divorce has a huge impact on one’s health EVEN if you remarry. Obviously, the message that comes out of this is that you should do everything in your power to make your marriage work. That’s much easier to say than it is to apply in practice with divorce rates higher than they have ever been; however, it doesn’t mean to say that all is lost just yet.The interesting thing to learn for anyone dealing with a marriage separation is that a separation doesn’t mean the end. In many cases it does, but that doesn’t mean that yours has to end this way. There are many examples of couples who after having been separated get back together again and go on and enjoy long term, happy marriages.What do you have to do to get back in the arms of the one you love and rekindle your lost love? First you have to act in a calm and thoughtful manner. You need to make contact with your ex and try and arrange a face to face meeting. It is so important that you do not pressure your partner under any circumstances. You have to meet and try and work together to resolve your issues. It is important that you listen to each other and avoid playing the “blame” game. Invariably, it takes two to tango and it is unlikely that one party is 100% to blame for the separation in the first place. At your meeting it would be good if you could have a focus for your meeting. It could be something as simple as “what has to change if we are to get back together again as a happy and loving couple.” Having such a focus is helpful if your meeting is getting off the track but it also gives each of you the opportunity to say what’s on your mind and what you are unhappy about.This is a mature and positive way of dealing with marriage separation. If you could resolve your issues and give your marriage another chance you will have done a fantastic job in getting through such a difficult situation. If you reach a stalemate in your discussions, it may be necessary to seek some outside help. Do this because you will be in a much better space if you can avoid going down the path of a divorce.It was love which bought you together in the first place and hopefully, it will be love that takes you to the next stage of your marriage. Life isn’t easy, nor is learning to love someone again after a nasty breakup. It takes a special person to ask for forgiveness but it takes a more special person to forgive. Forgive and forget and get on with loving each other again and you will not have to worry about dealing with marriage separation ever again.
To know that your spouse is having an extra marital affair should not ideally come as a surprise in today’s time and age. There was a time when men were accepted to be genetically polygamous. Not any more – research has revealed that even women can look for ‘greener pastures’ and decide to leave their husbands of many decades. Of course, divorce is not the inevitable next step in an extra marital affair. It could also be some innocent flirting. Whatever be the final outcome of such dangerous liaisons, the crux of the matter still remains that there are some cracks in the marriage which needs to be fixed. Therefore you need to get your plans ready to save your marriage as soon as you see the first cracks, or the situation might go out of hand.We are excluding any ‘one night stands’ from this discussion since they remain usually at that stage. If they go beyond, it is time to take note of such developments to save your marriage. At the outset it must be remembered that no body can fulfill all the dreams, demands and aspirations of another person, however close and committed they may be. Over and above fulfilling our basic needs, all of us are looking for something else in our partner which satisfies our other senses. For example, many of us need support, understanding, intellectual trigger and cooperation for our creative pursuits. We need emotional stimulation and partnership in a host of other activities, many of which may not appeal to the spouse. Becoming aware of such needs of your spouse is essential to save your marriage.Of course there could also be significant vacuum in other areas of basic needs, including sex – which is considered to be one of the most important factors in keeping a marriage going. So, to save your marriage, not only should you accept such realities but also give a closer look at your own shortcomings. Look for vacuums in your marriage where the other person has simply walked in and occupied an important position in the psyche of your spouse. There are two ways you can view the situation: you accept that a breakup is inevitable no matter what efforts you make to save your marriage, since you are not equipped to fill-in many of the ‘vacuum areas’; or, confront the situation gracefully by accepting the reality and then make attempts to save your marriage.Since there are plenty of ways you can approach the problem of a third person in the marriage, let us talk about some of the common events. Suppose the third person is a friend. However angry and hurt you might be about this cruel betrayal, keeping the goal to save your marriage in mind, you need to politely confront the person and ask him or her to move out. Be prepared to face initial resentment and mud slinging, but you stick to your point and chances are that your spouse takes the developments positively and respects your attempts to save your marriage. But remember never to broach this topic with your spouse ever again in future, after you have been successful in your efforts to save your marriage.What should you do in case you do not know the intruder? To handle this development with as much grace as possible, you need to have a frank and candid discussion with your spouse. Know what his/her plans are? If your spouse is expressive and communicative enough, get to know why he or she fell in love with this person. Was it due to some of your shortcomings or was it a momentary lack of reasoning? If it is the former, to save your marriage, you need to take immediate and visible steps to rectify the shortcomings as much as possible. But if it is the latter, you do not have to worry too much to save your marriage, as your spouse would see sense as soon after the initial charm wears off.To save your marriage when your spouse is having an extra marital affair is undoubtedly tough, but with time, tenacity, patience, understanding and a lot of love you could emerge as the winner in the race.
Before you try to save your marriage, you ought to know why it failed in the first place. Most of us make the mistake of presuming that marital bliss is permanent. Especially when we have loved and married the person of our choice, things can never go wrong. But more often than not it does. We think the spark that we saw during the courtship days would remain forever. It never does. People change and so do their priorities, likes and dislikes. Unless you adapt to the changing situation, you are bound to clash with the new developments in your life.All of us think that we are right and the other person is wrong. Spouse wanted space and you gave it. Spouse wanted a vacation and you acceded and so on. Despite making all the necessary ‘compromises’ and adjustments all the way, why does it have to be that one fine day you find that there are serious cracks in your marriage? Most of us get quite overwhelmed when a steady situation shows signs of imbalance. When the apple-cart tilts, we get nervous because we do now know how to manage change. So in a bid to save your marriage, you end up making some serious errors in judgment which further ruin your chances to save your marriage and worsens the all-ready sad situation. Here are some tips to save your marriage and how to avoid making those critical errors:o You are already aware of the cracks in your marriage and one day your spouse announces his or her desire to end this agony. What is your first reaction? Anger, frustration, denial, aggression, tears? While these outbursts may be common when someone is pushed against the wall, it can never help to save your marriage. On the contrary, you need to be calm and collected and instead of reacting immaturely, take time to think more rationally about the steps you have to take to save your marriage. Crying, pleading or throwing tantrums never take anyone anywhere. You are simply pushing your spouse to follow his or her decision.o To save your marriage, put an end to your endless stream of thoughts hovering around reasons why your marriage failed. Stop presuming for a change. Get the facts right – is there anyone else? Has the environment in the home got anything to do with it? Is your sex life satisfying? Who knows, with introspection, there could be several skeletons popping out of the in the cupboard? There could be issues with you, which need improvement or correction? Spend time to answer such questions before you try to pass on the blame on someone or something else.o To save your marriage, it pays to remain hopeful and develop a positive attitude. Remember if you ask for doom, it would come. On the contrary, if you pin your hopes on all that went right, on all the reasons that kept you together for so long, focus on those strength areas and develop them further. There is no point in being fatalistic or pessimistic about the future. To save your marriage, you might need to take some harsh decisions, give up on some old habits and learn to bend more than you are used to.o A marriage is about a relationship between two people. Therefore to save your marriage, nothing can be achieved single-handedly. You need the support and cooperation of your spouse all the way. And the only way you can involve your spouse in the process to save your marriage, is to have a frank and open discussion about your intentions. Ask his or her opinion about what could be the problem areas and work jointly so that the solution is mutually acceptable. It is futile to take unilateral decisions, even if they are made with all good intentions. To save your marriage is likewise a joint decision.
Infidelity is one of the major things that can tear apart a marriage. Affairs outside of marriage are a betrayal of everything that marriage is meant to be about. A marriage is meant to be a joining of two lives, you and your husband bound together for life, and tearing that bond apart is one of the most demanding things in your life to overcome.In a marriage, cheating isn’t just what happens when somebody starts a physical affair outside of the marriage. Cheating can also be emotional, when one of you in the relationship starts to share your life with another person outside the of marriage.This can be described as emotional infidelity, and it is becoming an even more severe issue in recent times. One of the grounds for this is due to the workplaces, one of our main social activities in modern times, have become more and more mixed.As well as that, it has become easy to liaise with people on the sly. Email, texting and instant messaging have all made it very easy to hook-up with people that you shouldn’t be hooking-up with. While this may not be the motivation for emotional infidelity, it is a main ingredient.At the same time, the ability to have physical affairs has also become much easier. Couples spend more time away from each other than once was the case, and it is quite common to spend the greater part of time at work, which provides us with a very neat justification when we decide to cheat on our partner. Having an affair is a choice, there is no mistake about that.However you should remember that these things are rationalizations and chance events, not reasons. To change the excuses won’t alter the relationship, it won’t resolve anything. But that doesn’t signify that you can’t rise above infidelity in marriage. Cheating is a quite a dilemma, but that doesn’t mean it’s an insurmountable one.The most important thing you need to consider is exactly what went amiss in your marriage. Cheating isn’t something that comes about by accident; there are always reasons when these kind of things happen. Something has broken-down in your marriage and it’s necessary that it be fixed so that you can get past the infidelity.It’s important that you don’t condemn the other person. Yes, they did cheat on you. No, it was not your fault. However, you need to move beyond it, because if you play the blame game you’ll really only postpone the sort of emotional healing that has to take place. You have to, the best way you can, put this all behind you.Once you’ve worked out the reasons why and have started working on it, it’s necessary that you reestablish the trust in your marriage. Infidelity devastates trust, and it’ll be difficult to repair that which was been broken. You need to buckle down and work on building the trust again. Don’t hope for it to happen straight away, and don’t hope for it to be easy.But if you can take these actions, you really can redeem your marriage. Cheating in a marriage is terrible, but every relationship can be retrieved. You simply need to go out and find the advice and the help you need to heal your relationship and then take action accordingly.
My marriage is ending. I have done everything I could, yet, my spouse cares about me less and less every day. I don’t this marriage to end, I have sacrificed so much for it! I love my spouse!My words from some time ago. I was utterly desperate and hopeless. The divorce was now coming any minute – my husband looked like he didn’t even care if I burst into tears right in front of him. I had done everything I could think of. I had begged him – and when that didn’t work, I thought the opposite should: I acted like I didn’t care at all. And when that failed too, I ran out of hope to save my marriage.But fast forward to today, and I am still with my husband, who loves me more than ever now, and we are living a second honeymoon.What changed? Was it a magic word or recipe that I used to save a marriage?No. It was entering the correct mindset, and using the principle of “people want what they can’t have.”This principle tells you you should never, ever beg your spouse to save a marriage. But I know that since you are devastated that your marriage is ending, you can think of nothing but begging and apologizing.This is why I’m telling you should enter the correct mindset. Get rid of your desperation. Desperation will only make you do things that you are going to regret afterwards.Know that you can save your marriage, it ALL depends on your actions. Know this, and calm down, and relax. This minute.