Making your marriage last is a real possibility, but in order to accomplish this, there are some things that you really need to know about making your marriage work for the long haul. Of course there are no guarantees, but following these ten simple rules, can really do a lot to improve your marriage for life.Respect – This is necessary, for some reason after people are married they don’t think they need to be nice to each other. This is not the case, you need to treat your spouse as you would if you were dealing with a stranger. Speaking Kind Words – You should never speak mean words to your spouse, you can have disagreements but it doesn’t have to become nasty. This is also true when you’re speaking to other people about your spouse, it should always be in a positive light. When you voice something it sometimes becomes reality so you must be careful with your words.Working on you: If you’ve let yourself go and don’t give yourself the attention you need you may be shortchanging your relationship. You may need to give yourself more attention and improvement on emotional, spiritual and physical issues as this will be beneficial to your spouse also. Giving in: There are time when there will be arguments and there are times to hold to your position and other times to let it go. If you need to be the winner every time then there’s a problem, this tells your spouse that they are always wrong.AVOID TEMPTATION. Be sure to stay out of situations in which you might be tempted to stray. If you know you are attracted to someone steer clear of them. Do not be around members of the opposite sex alone and if you find you need to, be sure to include your spouse. This will allow you to show your commitment to your marriage. DON’T LIE. Marriage is based on trust and truth, so be sure that you are not even telling little white lies to your spouse, a lie is a lie. They may not want to hear the truth, but you need to stay it or steer clear of doing things that you might have to lie about eventually. It is a partnership and not a parent / child relationship so be sure that you are both acting like grown ups.BE FRIENDS. Don’t be afraid to let your spouse in. Talk about your feelings and be willing to let them know what makes you tick, turns you on and scares the heck out of you. Marriage is based on communication and sharing is a big part of it. LISTEN. Be sure to listen to what your spouse is saying. Hearing them and trying to understand them, will help you and them to grow not only as people but as a married couple.
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I get a lot of emails from wives (and sometimes from husbands too) who indicate that the marriage is no longer a close one or that both parties no longer feel as close to one another as they once did. I’ll often hear things like: “we used to talk for hours but now we can’t carry a conversation;” or “I used to feel so close to him but now he feels like a stranger to me;” or “I feel like we’re both going through the motions and don’t really care one way or another.”These statements have one very important thing in common. They all stem from a lack of intimacy which has become increasingly common in modern marriages. People sometimes mistakenly think that they’ve “fallen out of love,” or that they no longer have any “chemistry.” This really isn’t often the case. Instead, what has happened is that the effort hasn’t been there and so the intimacy isn’t there either, although this isn’t necessarily any one’s fault. Changing this dynamic is very much within your control though. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.Is Your Marriage (Or Your Spouse) On The Back Burner?: In order to fix this problem, you must be honest with yourself. Often, I will ask people how much time they devote to just being with and bonding with their spouse. They’ll often replay with something like: “well, as much as I can.” I will then ask them to describe what kinds of activities that they enjoy together and how often these take place, and I’ll often get silence or a blank stare.The truth is, most of us reach a point where we no longer make our marriage our top priority. And, there are many legitimate reasons for this. We are completely overwhelmed with work, children, and staying afloat in this economy and we become “comfortable” after a while and assume that we can sort of coast. We assume that our spouse knows how much we love them and where our commitment and our heart is. And in all likelihood, they do know this. However, just like anything else, you’re going to get from this relationship what you put into it. If you neglect it, it’s going to no doubt suffer. You must prioritize shared experiences that you both enjoy and you must not think for a second that if you don’t do anything to fuel the intimacy that it is going to remain. Getting Back On Track: Most people completely understand with what I’ve just said. However, when it comes to actually doing something concrete to restore the intimacy and closeness, they hesitate. The thought of opening themselves up or of doing something in a new way or of changing the status quo can almost be crippling. It can seem easier to just try to deal with things as they are rather than to change them.But, don’t you and your spouse both deserve to be as happy, close, and fulfilled as you can be? Don’t your children deserve to grow up in a house filled with laughter and love? Isn’t it worth stepping out of your comfort zone if the rewards are so great? Of course it is. But sometimes, taking the first step is the hardest part.To that end, I don’t want you to put a lot of pressure onto this process. Don’t expect to make drastic or awkward changes overnight. Don’t become discouraged if these seem forced or awkward at first. The key here is to make small and repetitive changes that become a habit over time. You don’t have to do anything that makes you horribly uncomfortable. But, you should be able to find a comfortable middle that allows you to keep moving forward.Start small. At first, just set aside 15 minutes to spend together in a light hearted way. Make this a daily thing. Turn off the phone. Turn of the TV. Take a walk together. Vow to not talk about problems or kids or issues that are nothing more than small talk. Ask about your spouse’s experiences that day and really listen. Respond in the way that you would want for him (or her) to respond to you.I often tell people that, over time, their goal should be to become the spouse that they want. Sure, this may seem backward. But, if you’re telling yourself that you don’t really know what to do here, I must tell you that this just isn’t true. You and your spouse were once deeply in love and very strongly connected. You know what it takes to accomplish this. And, you know what makes this relationship work. Now, I know that you may be saying “yes, but things are so different now. There are so many other things to focus on.” This is no doubt true and valid. But you just can’t expect to put 1/4 or less of the time that you used to in the relationship and have it be 100% of what it was. This is just an equation that is never going to add up properly.That doesn’t mean that you should make drastic changes that are going to come off as fake or insincere. But, even small changes or increased time and effort can yield noticeable differences. Once this happens, build on your small successes until you are back to where you want to be.
Save Marriage tips to help stop a divorce, or get your ex backThere are some things you can do to help save your marriage. I’m talking about common sense ideas that are easy to implement, and won’t cost much in the way of money and amazingly most people won’t try them, not even to save their marriage.Save Marriage Tips You Can Try Right Now1) The first tip is maybe not as simple as it sounds. Just stop arguing. When your partner says or does something that irritates you, you might want to correct them, or become moody or grumpy. You have to learn to let it go. If you can do this, you’re doing yourself and your partner a favour. When one of you learns to let things go, the other one is likely to follow suit.Don’t wait for your partner to do this. You have to be the one to take the lead and learn to let things go. It’s possible your partner might be considering the same action, but no matter how badly both people want to save the marriage, usually only one of them takes the lead in trying to keep the peace.You should consider that it’s not really that important to be right all the time, it’s more important to be happy. If you have decided that you want to try and save the marriage, then that’s more important than always being right about everything, and highlighting your partner’s mistakes.2) Another thing you should try is to be dating again. Even if you’re not actually going out together, you should try to approach your relationship as it was in the early days, when you just started dating. If you have been in a long term relationship, this may not be easy, but it can be beneficial in helping to save the marriage.When you first started dating and everything in the relationship was new, it was more exciting, and although your partner had faults, you either ignored them or endeared yourself to them. After a while the excitement dies down and it’s easy to become bored. Familiarity is fine, but you don’t want everything to become boring and predictable. Surprise your partner with a special night out, or a surprise gift (corny, I know) but it can help lighten the mood and relive the tension.3) The third tip is to try and love your partner in the way he or she wants to be loved. You should know the things that make your partner happy, and do them whenever possible. It may be a simple thing, for instance, they may like to be told often that you love them. Whatever it is, make the effort to do what makes them happy, and make them feel cherished.4) The last of my save marriage tips is: Be affectionate in a physical sense. No matter how long you’ve been together, love and marriage is not just about sex, even though that may be important. One of the best ways of keeping your marriage alive, is with romance. A surprise hug or kiss at any time of the day for no reason at all, is very powerful, and worth more than a thousand words.
What do you think the failure rate of all marriages are? Maybe you guessed that it’s higher than 50%, but did you know that it is exactly 87%? Why do you think it’s that high? I think you know the answer. Marriage requires sacrifice, it requires commitment, it gives you lots of responsibilities. In this era of selfishness and “individuality”, no one tries, as you do to save your marriage. They always take the easy way out: Hey, this doesn’t work, let’s get divorced!For the likes of us who want to save their marriages, things aren’t so easy. Marriage counseling only works if both sides really want to maintain the marriage. This makes you alone in trying to save your marriage. And this is always dangerous.Why?I know the pains associated with seeing your marriage crumble. I personally lived through it, and thought my world was ending. I loved my husband and could do nothing to hold him in my arms. It is a devastating feeling to see your marriage ending – you have sacrificed so much for it, and built your life around it, and now you can only watch it end. This makes you desperate – so desperate that it clouds your mind and judgment. It makes you unable to think creatively for ways on how to save a marriage.This is why trying to save a marriage by yourself is dangerous, and in most cases it will have you begging your spouse; which will end up in only them being more fed up with you.I am going to tell you what you are doing correctly now. You are looking for ways of stopping a divorce on the Internet – it’s why you are reading this article. This is the correct thing to do – looking for outside advice. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way. But when I DID learn it, I began to follow outside advice, and it made me save my marriage in the end.
Rita was happy and Norman hated it!Rita was on top of the world and Norman hated it. He couldn’t stand seeing her so comfortable in her own skin, and in such good spirits. It turned his stomach. It was unfair. What right did she have to feel so good when he felt lousy?Despite her determination to hang onto her good mood, Rita found her self rolling it back, hiding her happy feelings since they were obviously not welcome. Norman began complaining about his life, taking the focus away from her happy mood and turning the lens on his crappy day.Norman is threatened by Rita’s good moodEvery time Rita built herself up Norman took pleasure in tearing it down. It threatened him when she was self-contained and happy in her own right. If she could do that without him what was his function in the relationship? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?Rita hid her feelings and became quiet. She didn’t volunteer any information unless Norman asked for her opinion. It made her sad that she couldn’t share her happiness with Norman. It took the edge off her good day. She shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes.Rita’s tears lift Norman’s spiritsThe tears galvanized Norman into action. He went to give Rita a hug, showed genuine interest in her unhappiness and turned on the comforting and consoling tap. Now he felt needed. Now he had a role to play. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that they were a solid couple.The One Up One Down Game Sabotages the RelationshipIt’s a pretty bad situation if Norman can only feel important and worthy when his partner is down and needy. It’s a tragedy that Rita has to hide her good mood to make Norman feel better about himself. Neither of them get to feel good together and enjoy their partnership. They only seem to connect when one of them is down and the other one is up.Only One Person Gets To Use the Happiness CardNorman believes that there is a limited amount of happiness around, and if Rita has it, that means there is none left for him. It makes him feel so deprived and hopeless that his only course of action is to destroy her happiness. If she is sad then he can feel sympathy and compassion towards her instead of envy and rage.The Relationship is Doomed by Unconscious SabotageIt would be too scary to be jealous of his own wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Norman sabotages the relationship by making Rita feel guilty about her happiness.Rita feels guilty when she is happy and Norman is grumpy. The guilt takes the pleasure away, so she willingly plays the game and turns her happiness into sadness. In the short term it puts Norman and Rita on a level playing field, where no one is happy, but ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they build up unravels the bonds of their connection.Turning sabotaging strategies into successful relationship patterns1. Rita needs to feel her anger whenever Norman brings her down and call him on his stuff without exploding.2. Norman needs an invitation from Rita to talk about his fear that if she gets the bowl of happiness he gets nothing. Then they can create opportunities to make sure they are sharing pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time.3. Rita needs to tell Norman about her guilty feelings when she is happy so that he begins to see how destructive their game is.4. Telling each other what they want from one another in clear ways will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.