Being ignored in your own home is one of the worst feelings in the world. People are social creatures and they want to feel like they belong, so when you are a wife asking yourself “Why does my husband ignore me?” it’s a pretty serious issue. There shouldn’t be any blame put on you, but if you are going to change this you are going to have to rethink about the way you communicate with your husband.Men and women think in two totally different ways, us wives want to be loved and cherished forever, while your husband needs to feel like he’s respected. Chances are, there are something things that were said at one point in time that were misunderstood by your husband and over time he has ducked back into his shell to protect himself from more damage.The things you may have said were possibly made just for small talk, but little by little innocent comments like “Nice car,” and “What a gorgeous house,” may have made your husband feel like you didn’t think he made enough money.Another example of communication like this would be sarcasm. You may be teasing your husband about the lack of hair on his head or the fact that his beer belly has gotten bigger, but little by little these comments have eaten away at him and made him feel that you don’t respect him.In some cases, there are things that just cannot be helped at a certain point in time. In our marriage, I am the main bread winner and always have been. I know this has bothered my husband from day one, but there really is nothing I can do about this until he takes his future into his own hands. I can guide him in the right direction, but telling him what he should and shouldn’t do only leads him to believe that I don’t think his decisions are good enough. This has been a tough lesson to learn for me, but it definitely has helped the two of us.I am not saying that you have to bow down to every whim your husband has, that would be blowing your marriage back into the dark ages. You just need to think about how something you say may be interpreted by your husband and possibly filter it to his language.
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Three Brains and a PartnerOne of the most important aspects of the human experience that couples are wise to fully understand is how brain physiology impacts intimate, committed relationships. I see this as a core piece of information that will help you make sense out of what is often both distressing and confusing to married people. I also believe that this is one of the most interesting and fascinating pieces of information you will find in relationship literature. Basically, we have three brains and not just one. The Hindbrain (The Reptilian Brain) Like it or not, a part of our brain is similar to reptiles. It is located right at the base of our skull in the back. It is the part of our brain that controls our automatic functions (keeps our heart beating, controls breathing, pumps adrenalin when needed, etc.).The hindbrain is constantly alert to possible danger and when danger is perceived, it takes over. For instance, if you were to hear a sudden, loud, noise, you would have what is called a “startle” response. In an instant, your heart rate would increase, your breathing would become more rapid, your eyes would dilate, your mouth would get a little drier, your adrenal glands would start pumping and you would likely tense your muscles — getting ready to run or fight or do something. You would not consciously think and choose to do these things; they would all immediately and automatically happen because the hindbrain kicked into activity and went to work to make sure you survive. The Mid-Brain (The Mammalian Brain) The second brain, like it or not, is similar to mammals. This is the part of our brain that mediates or controls emotion. We generally do not think of snakes or lizards as having emotion, but mammals (dogs, cats, etc.) experience what we call emotion. They can be afraid, angry, loving, happy, etc. Humans have a wide and rich range of emotion. The important thing to understand about the Mid-Brain is that our emotions are not controlled by the conscious, intentional part of our brain (that’s coming next). The old saying, “Emotions have no brains” is true only in the sense that we cannot consciously choose to feel any given emotion at a certain time. Emotions “happen” while we are engaged in life. While they can be understood intelligently and rationally, they cannot be “turned on” by choice. Even in the field of psychotherapy where the goal is often to understand and gain some control in regards to emotion, this is outside our choiceful or volitional control. We can learn to manage and understand and learn from our emotions; we cannot control them directly. Our Mid-Brain (the mammalian brain) is in charge of that. The Cortex (The Computer Brain) Finally we all have a cortex, the part of our brain that is conscious, intentional, rational, and choiceful. It is the cortex you are using now as you read this article. It is the part of us that can be self-aware, reflective, and self-observant. It is the part of our brain that allows us to communicate in complex languages and develop science, literature and art. It is the part of our brain that makes us distinctively and uniquely human. Some animals and perhaps porpoises have rudimentary cortexes, but the human cortex is far superior. It would be nice if the cortex controlled our lives and our marriages, but alas and alack, that unfortunately rarely happens in the real world. Most marriages are run on reptilian and mammalian energy. The Old Brain For simplicity’s sake, in this WEB site, we will lump the Hindbrain and the Midbrain together and refer to them as “The Old Brain.” It is “old” not in the sense that it is out of date or not as valuable as the Cortex (The “New Brain”). We actually are wise to learn to deeply respect, value and honor the “Old Brain.” But it is “old” in the sense in that it is the more primitive part of our Brain. There are two things every couple should know about the Old Brain.The Mr. Magoo of the Brain Set First, the Old Brain is the Mr. Magoo of the Brain Set. It has a dimmed, fuzzy impression of the outside world. Like the mostly blind Mr. Magoo, the Old Brain constantly confuses people and events.Your Old Brain, not your New Brain will tend to confuse your Partner with your Parent. The part of your brain that controls your emotion and your “reactivity” is the Mr. Magoo “act alike.” While your New, Rational, Intelligent Brain clearly knows the difference between your Partner and Your Parent, the brain that triggers and mediates your emotions and reactivity and protective impulses constantly mixes them up. So if your partner criticizes you and you had some history with a critical parent or older brother or sister or teacher, your Old Brain may react emotionally and reactively as though you were once again living with and dealing with that old critic. This can happen even when you consciously know that your partner is different than the old critic and you are now an adult, not a child. This partly explains why suddenly with our life partner, we can feel an intensity of feeling — powerless, fearful, helpless — even though we intellectually know we are not powerless and helpless.The “Timeless” Old Brain The second thing that is important to know about the Old Brain is that is has no concept of time. It knows nothing about years, decades, and schedules. It lives in the “eternal now.”Therefore when something happens “now” that is similar to something that happened years ago as a child, the Old Brain (that controls emotion and reactivity) connects to the prior experience as information about the present event, but does not experience the old experience as “old.” The emotion that was present then is brought into the present experience and we experience the combined emotion of then and now. The 90/10 Principle This is why we talk about the 90/10 principle of relationships. Ninety percent of the upset, hurt, emotion and reactivity we experience in our marriage is actually related to our history. Only ten percent is related to the present event. Some theorists even argue that 100 percent of “reactivity” is related to the past. The Bad News This then is the biological explanation of why there can be so much intense emotion in relationships. The Old Brain treats emotional risk as a survival issue and combines history with the present and confuses people, events and time. Our partner can raise their eyebrow in a certain way and we can feel a knife go through our gut. Our partner can walk out of the room and we can feel a strong fear of rejection or abandonment–even though the intensity makes no sense rationally. We easily interpret our partners through the lenses of past hurts and sensitivities. The biology of the brain, which was designed to keep us alert and alive and safe, also keeps us very sensitive to our Imago Match — our husbands and wives and life partners. The Good News The good news is that brain physiology also explains how and why marriage is the best and most powerful and most effective place for healing to happen. If your partner gives you now what you needed as a child or teenager and did not get, if your partner gives you now what you needed when you were hurt as a child and didn’t get enough of, your Old Brain does not say, “Sorry, it’s too late. I needed that 30 years ago not now” (The Old Brain does not distinguish between then and now). The Old Brain also does not say, “Sorry, wrong person. I needed that from my parents, not my partner” (The Old Brain constantly confuses parent and partner).When you get now what you needed then, the Old Brain says, “Yes, thank you. I can’t tell you how wonderful that feels.” This is why wise therapists and this WEB site are showing couples how to be healing agents for each other –because that is the place for the most powerful and effective healing to take place. The Old Brain and Danger When the Old Brain perceives risk or danger, pain or frustration, it knows how to do five general strategies. 1.The Old Brain knows how to hide. How do you hide in relationships? Not talking, refusing to share or self-disclose, lying, keeping secrets. When I was in graduate school, one of my professors told of an architect who build a secret room in his home and did not tell his wife about it. Whenever, he was really frustrated, he would just disappear. He really knew how to hide as a way of protecting. 2.The Old Brain knows how to fight. How do you fight? Argue, yell, out reason, withhold affection, refuse to talk, get passive aggressive, blame, accuse, criticize, etc, etc, etc. 3.The Old Brain knows how to run. How do you run in a relationship? Literally leave the house, go for a drive, separate, work later and later at the office. 4.The Old Brain knows how to “freeze.”The twig snaps in the forest and the deer freezes. Have you ever come home and sensed that something was amiss and you were in trouble — and froze. That is, decide to say nothing or do nothing until you can assess the danger. 5.Finally, the Old Brain knows how to submit. Submitting, interestingly, can be a protective strategy. When a wolf challenges the head of the wolf pack for leadership, there is a terrific fight. Eventually, the losing wolf will roll over on his back an expose his neck to the conquering wolf. The conquering wolf will place his jaws around the submitting wolf’s neck, but won’t kill it. This act of submission saves the wolf’s life and the wolf pack remains intact. We suspect that the reason many people stay in dangerously abusive marriages is this “old brain’s” impulse to submit as a way of surviving. The Old Brain and Safety When the old brain perceives safety, the parasympathetic system takes over and in safety the old brain knows how to do five things: 1. The Old Brain knows how to mate. The sexual response occurs primarily in a place of safety. 2. The Old Brain knows how to play. 3. The Old Brain knows how to nurture and be affectionate. 4. The Old Brain knows how to work and be creative. 5. The Old Brain knows how to sleep and rest and relax. Every week hundreds of couples go into a therapist’s office and share some version of the following: Our sex life isn’t working any more! We almost never laugh or have fun with each other. Everything seems heavy. There is virtually no warmth, few hugs, no compliments or appreciations. Nothing seems to be working. If you were a marital therapist who understood about brain physiology, what you immediately know about this couple or these couples? THEY ARE NOT SAFE WITH EACH OTHER. When you are safe with your partner, warmth, playfulness, affection and sexuality tend to emerge naturally. When you are not safe, there is distance, hiding, criticism, fighting, etc. Conclusion Brain physiology is a reality, a given that every couple must deal with. The Old Brain cannot be controlled directly, but it can be understood and “managed.” It is essential that couples learn to create a higher level of emotional and physical safety in their relationship.
We often hear that we are all unique and there are no two people that think and act in exactly the same way. The same is true even with married couples. Marriage does not make a husband and wife exactly the same and this is the very reason why there is no guarantee that married life is trouble-free. It helps to know the different signs your marriage is in trouble so you can think of ways to make things better before they get worse. Who knows, the little things you do today might just be the keys to save your relationship.There are lots of signs your marriage is in trouble but most common of all is the lack of physical intimacy. Physical intimacy plays a very important role in marriage and this involves more than just going to bed with your spouse.Oftentimes, physical closeness is caused by not spending enough time with each other. Ask yourself, when was the last time you had dinner with your spouse? When was the last time you enjoyed a movie together? If you cannot remember, then you better act now.Then, there is lack of communication. Lack of communication accounts for a lot of cases where married couples go on separate ways. Sometimes, all you need is some extra time for a meaningful conversation but if you keep on avoiding each other, then there is no chance for you to meet eye to eye and talk about the more important things that go on between you.There are lots of signs your marriage is in trouble and the best way to address them is to acknowledge them as they are. If you keep on telling yourself that everything is okay then you will only keep yourself from saving your marriage. On the other hand, being too paranoid will cause you to act in a rather unnatural manner and can cause more strains to your already troubled marriage.
If the love in your marriage is gone find out where it went. Really! Where did it go? Love isn’t like a pair of keys that you’ve put down somewhere and can’t find. It’s not like the remote control that could possibly be buried between the cushions of the couch. Really now. I’ve never heard the question “who has the love? I can’t find it anywhere in this house!” Or what about a statement like “I can’t find my darn love. I must have left it somewhere, but I just can’t remember where.” OK, I think you probably get the picture, right?Let me tell you what love is and how to find it the next time you think you’ve lost it.1 Corinthian 13:4-7 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.There it is, the truth straight from the bible, what love is. If you’re reading here you are searching how to find that loving feeling you’ve lost.Love is patient – how patient are you with your spouse? Love is kind – what have you done kind for your spouse lately?It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud – does envy, boast or proud describe you? It is not rude – I know there comes a time that you’ve been rude to your spouse, am I right? It is not self-seeking – oh boy, here is the big one! Self-centeredness is the biggest reason for divorce. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of your spouse.It’s not easily angered – men, this is usually you. Are you able to keep yourself from being angered by your spouse? It keeps no record of wrongs – women, this is talking to you. Can you not let go of the wrong you’ve been done?Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. Love rejoices in truth. Truth of the word possibly? Are you living the truth and rejoicing in truth? It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always preserves!Now, I ask you, where did that loving feeling go?
Marriage advice for men – it is well known that men and women think differently. So why in the world is marriage advice often given to both sexes equally? When we see things from each other’s point of view, only then do we see the real difference in the way men and women think.By learning a little bit about what goes on in your wife’s mind, you will be able to make a few simple changes to the way you do things that will really get her attention, and will show her that you do, indeed, love her, and that you want to save your marriage!Unfortunately, as boys, men were raised to not show their emotions. This includes showing love. For some reason, society itself tells men that this is a sign of weakness. It is NOT! Actually, it is a sign of strength and confidence.Simply telling your wife that you love her does mean something to her, but you have to show her. At one point in my own marriage, I kept hearing those words, but I didn’t feel that my husband loved me at all anymore. He said it, but after a while, those words became just that. Words. And he just couldn’t understand that, as a woman, I needed more than words. I needed to FEEL loved.Show your wife that you love her. Give her a kiss for no reason. Simple eye contact and a smile that says ‘I love you’ does a lot more than saying it.Show her that you are interested in what she does, what she likes, etc. Make an effort to get involved in something she likes to do. I’ll give you an example:If she likes to read, then by getting her a new book, or even something a simple as a bookmark, you are showing her that you do pay attention to what she is interested in. You are saying ‘even though you like to do this and I don’t, I support you’. This will go a LONG way in showing her that you love her.One of the biggest complaints I see with couples today is that promises aren’t kept. Many times a man will say to his wife ‘ok, I’ll do it’, but that’s the end of it. It never gets done. If you are guilty of this, as many of us are, then try your best to work on it. Every time you follow through with actually doing something you say you will do, it makes a HUGE difference in your marriage!Both of you should take time each day to spend quality time with each other. This doesn’t mean that you have to talk, you can simply watch tv, or anything that allows both of you to be together.If you really want to make her happy, help her do the household chores. many times men think it is the woman’s job to do everything. When you are married, it becomes BOTH of your jobs to take care of the household. By simply taking out the trash, or making dinner, you will tell your wife that you don’t take her for granted, and that you really do respect her and the work that she does.The more you do these little things, you will see your marriage improving. Your wife will be happier, because she realizes that you DO still love her, and you will be happier, because your marriage will become stronger.
Over the holiday, I got an email from a wife who told me that she was afraid that her husband “really didn’t want to be married to me anymore.” Her husband had not come right out and told her this, but his actions were speaking volumes. She said that her husband was increasingly absent, distant, and cold. He had been spending less and less time at home, seemed to want to be with friends and coworkers more than his wife, and was rarely initiating contact anymore. She did not really suspect an affair because she did not feel that this was her husband’s style. Instead, she felt that he was more likely to want to end the marriage. She asked for my advice as to what she should do. I’ll share with you what I told her in the following article.Why I Felt That She Shouldn’t Come Right Out And Ask Him If He Wanted A Divorce: I advised the wife to not press the issue. This was really either going to put the husband on the defensive or contribute to him saying something that might be hurtful and not at all helpful. I wanted for her to be clear that the goal was really not to define the husband’s future intentions. What she wanted instead was to improve the relationship so that she would no longer need to worry whether he was going to seek a divorce or not.To that end, I really didn’t want for her to get in his face and demand to know if he was committed to remaining married. Instead, I wanted for her to just begin focusing on herself – and then on the marriage. Because, you really can not control the feelings or even the actions of someone else. But, you can greatly control how you handle the situation. This can often have a huge impact on how things turn out.And often times, you don’t need to explain what you are doing to the point where your husband feels like you are placing blame. You can just begin making changes on your own. Sure, eventually, he will notice. But by the time he does, things will already be greatly improved. And, this is where you should be before you begin trying to make huge changes or to ask difficult questions. The ground is likely too shaky to introduce additional challenges right now.Giving Him The Space To Figure Out That The Grass Probably Isn’t As Green As He Might Think: First off, we don’t actually know what this wife’s husband is thinking. He may not be as unhappy as she thinks. However, she might well be accurate. In truth, my advice would be the same either way. I did not want for her to demand huge changes until they began to deeply bond again. I wanted for her to appear fun loving, light hearted, and busy. Because often times, our perceptions are flavored by what is going on in our own lives. So, if she could focus on her own happiness, I strongly suspected that things would begin to look differently to both her and her husband if she started to focus on her own contentment with out over analyzing everything to do with her husband.Once she did this and began to feel more positive and happy about her life and herself, I wanted for her to then focus those feelings onto her marriage. (It’s important that you do not skip the individual work. If you do, you will often find that you can’t give someone else what you do not have.) Again, she did not necessarily need to telegraph this. She just needed to focus on the two of them having more fun together on the occasions that he was present. She very much wanted to request that he be present more, but I asked that she try making their time together more fulfilling for both of them. I was pretty confident that if she did this, it would eventually be the husband who began initiating more of the contact since the payoff for him was going to be increasing.It’s so important to understand that everyone – and this includes her husband – will gravitate to the pay off. If the thing or person feels good and brings pleasure, then you are going to move toward it. If it doesn’t, then your inclination will be to want to move away. This may seem like an oversimplification, but she needed for her husband to begin getting the pay off so that he was moving toward, not away from her.Of course, she wanted to know what she should do if this did not work. I told her that she had to play this off convincingly, and, if she did, I felt that it would work. However, in the event that she didn’t get the reaction that she wanted, I advised her to have a bit of patience and to continue working on herself. If, after this he still seemed to want out the marriage, we would then address that specific issue. However, addressing the issue before you restore the intimacy and bond is sort of doing things backward. You will get so much better results if he is connected to you and has a vested interest in ensuring that the pay off continues.No matter how or when she decided to begin, I told her that she should not procrastinate or wait for him to make a move. Putting this off may ensure that his move is a negative one. It’s important to be proactive and to start creating a positive pay off. Even if things ultimately deteriorated, she was still going to be in a much better and stronger position moving forward. And, what did she have to lose by trying?
When my marriage was in an obvious crisis (like yours is now, I presume) I remember it very well that the first psychological reaction I had was to panic and get overwhelmed by emotions. Was it possible otherwise? After all, my marriage, (my life) was at stake. It was too much to be handled calmly… Yet, those emotions were almost going to be the undoing of my married life. You need to intervene at a point to stop your divorce. I will explain.When you think your marriage is ending, your emotions spike up and overwhelm you. In your panic, and emotional state; your first reaction is going to be (as mine was) to beg and plead for them to get back to you; and then everything will be back to normal and how it used to be. This is one of the most damaging things you can do; and you should never do those if you want to save your marriage.The first reason for this is; now that your partner wants a divorce, he or she is fed up with you and this marriage. If you apply more pressure on your spouse in what is already a very stressful situation, this is only going to make them more fed up. This is what you exactly should avoid!The second reason is, even if you think you are sincerely apologizing and begging; your spouse will realize that you are doing this not because you are really aware of the problems and want to fix them, but because you want to stop your divorce and save the marriage. This will very seriously hurt your credibility. So, stay away from begging.Then, what should you do? What did I do to stop my divorce?At the beginning of this article I had told you that what drives us to begging is the panic state and the emotions that overwhelm us. So you need to calm yourself down! Know that you can save your marriage. You CAN stop this divorce from happening – it’s all in your hands. However, to do this, you have to be in the right state of mind to do the right things for stopping a divorce.
Lots of people answer the question of how to save a marriage by saying: “Talk to your spouse and sort out your differences.” This advice makes no sense at all. If your marriage has problems – you solve them by talking to each other, that’s the way to go of course. But if those problems are so much that your marriage is clearly ending – then I’m sorry but, talking to your spouse will solve nothing.I am saying this, because you are looking for ways on how to save a marriage. This means, your spouse wants the marriage to end in a divorce, but you want to save your marriage. If you talk to your spouse, it will be no more than a desperate “begging”. Your spouse knows you don’t want to end the marriage, and knows that whatever you say, you will say to sway him or her into stopping the divorce.The best advice to give to whoever wants to save his or her marriage is: Stop begging, stop crying, straighten out yourself. No, you are not accepting the divorce. You will fight to the end if needed – but it won’t be by crying and begging to your spouse. This will make you look even worse in your spouse’s eyes, and he or she will want you less. If you want to save your marriage, do so with dignity and courage. Being courageous and taking the divorce head-on will make you stronger, and will make you more respectable in your spouse’s eyes.
Some of my friends refer to marriage as an institution. If you are interested in making the marriage work then it might help to try and look at it from this point of view as well. Let’s forget feelings and emotions for a while. There are certain unwritten down rules that govern a marriage and should be followed.In a healthy marriage there should be mutual respect for each other. As a husband or wife we have our different roles to play; let’s respect those roles. It’s very hard for problems to creep in on a self respecting couple. You should know that you are responsible to your partner and your partner is responsible to you. None of your business should not feature at all in a marriage.Making the marriage work is not an easy task. But once you learn to do some of these things out of habit; it will become easy. Teach yourself how to take a step back; do not always be confronting problems in emotional states. Whether its anger, hurt or disappointment. When you tackle problems in emotional states you are likely to say things you do not mean and can never take back.The way you handle problems and difficulty will impact the relationship. Once someone has admitted responsibility do not dwell on the matter but rather look for ways of finding a solution. Wasting time and pointing fingers does very little to help.If you want ways of making the marriage work then get information from happily married couples. Believe me they are a lot. Find out the little secret ingredients they put into a relationship to make it work.
Do you want to be saved from your boring marriage or do you want the right tools to fix it so you can flourish for a very long time? Do you really want to know what it takes to properly prepare yourself effectively to save your marriage from uncertain disaster?Saving your boring marriage can be done because you have realized the early signs of this issue. Knowing this will allow you to understand that your marriage can still be saved most effectively. One of the ways that you can save your marriage is through focused open communication between you and your partner. Compromising in a relationship is also a great thing to have, except that too much compromise can effect the relationship in a negative way.You don’t want your partner to seem that he or she can just walk all over you when ever he or she wants to. If you can provide a 50/50 level of tolerance between the two of you then you can come to the understanding that your marriage can be saved and fixed properly. When a shark stops swimming it will die. Well, this is the same thing in the marriage. If you don’t water the plant of love in your marriage daily and feed it, will wither and die.So, if you have the proper methods and techniques to do this effectively than you can come to the conclusion that a successful marriage is attainable and reachable. Never give up hope and feel that your boring marriage is all that you have to live up to. Life is a celebration of fun and happiness and if a couple can experience this joy together than an awesome outcome can occur from all of this. Learn how to fix a marriage and relationship effectively.