Building a lasting marriage relationship begins way before the actual marriage. It begins not even during courtship but much earlier. It must begin at a point when a person who intends to form a family contemplates of the thought and does adequate preparation. This preparation has got to be guided not only by the socially accepted norms but also but those not accepted. Any person who wants to one day be in a marriage relationship must thoroughly understand what norms guides them in their society. The purpose of these norms is to assist in building of basic minimum principals that one would accept.In a society that does not mind multiple relationship for instance, such a person must ask-do I accept such? Does such a norm enable me fulfill my vision of a marriage relationship? As you define that, also audit those norms that you consider unacceptable to you or to your future marriage. Once these have been defined, they help you make a picture of what you would like and dislike.To distinguish between like and dislikes the society has some predefined roles and expectations of each party in a marriage. We don’t need to go through them in detail because most literature is based on them but just to mention them in random and without categorizing them they are:- Provision of protection-social and economic.-Love and companionship-emotional and psychological.-Procreation-Faithfulness-to one marriage partner or those agreed upon in case of a multiple partner set up.- Vision-providing direction for the future.- Spiritual growth-Providing a basis for the connection with the supernatural.Our life experiences and those of others are valuable books to learn from. Lessons learnt need not be positive or negative only but should assist in improving our own lives. Sure, each person has dislikes and likes. As far as marriage is concerned one does not pay much attention to them . As a result many end up in a relationships that leads to marriage without much contemplation. Many have found themselves already dating without knowing they are actually dating. In the process, one gets into marriage by seeing themselves fulfilling some of the expected roles of a married couple. Thus they find themselves doing what they actually thought their neighbors, friends or relatives would have avoided. In other words they do not learn from others’ lessons.Before getting into a marriage it would help to ask yourself:- What do you like most about those you consider to be in a perfect marriage?- What do you loath in a marriage that you hate in your community?-How do you think you can better the relationship given a chance?- Did you plan to get into the relationship that you are in nowThese questions would make you begin to visualize your own marriage situation. The aim is not to be judgmental but to draw up possible grid that you would use to navigate through your marriage.
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A lot of people today marry for all the wrong reasons. These reasons could include the following – you wanted a big wedding, you were expecting a baby and thought it was the right thing to do, you felt pressure from your partner or family, you got carried away by emotion and passion, or you were scared you would end up alone. These are just a few of the reasons you may have married, but whatever the reasons behind your decision, you are now wondering if you made a huge mistake.This mistake does not have to mean your marriage is going be one of the 43 percent of marriages that fail. It is nearly always possible to make a marriage work, even if you tied the knot for the wrong reasons or you married too hastily.The first thing that you need to do is stop blaming yourself for getting married. Even if you had married for the right reasons, that does not mean that you wouldn’t be sitting in the same boat you are in right now. Stop beating yourself up, it is not going to help.The most important thing is that you do want this marriage to work, not how it even happened in the first place. The next step it to seek some advice on how to make it work. You may decide you need counselling, or the cheaper alternative, self-help books. Today there are even books available online for instant download so you don’t have to waste another second worrying what to do next.
How do you feel when you’re in a serious marriage crisis? Horrible. How do you feel when you are the spouse who’s trying to SAVE the marriage? Even worse.I have felt it because my marriage was ending. I had noticed that my husband didn’t really care about me any longer – but when the divorce showed its ugly head, it was still shocking and devastating, none the less. I cried, I cried; and he didn’t care.So, how do you save a marriage when everything seems so hopeless? I’ll start by telling you the LAST thing that should be done: Stay away from trying to think of ways YOURSELF to save a marriage. Why? Because you are desperate. You have been torn apart by everything – so is it really possible for you to spot the problems and act accordingly to save a marriage?Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this until much later and thought of such “methods”:* I cried. I cried purposefully near him so that he would be able to see me and see how much I cared about him and our marriage.* I begged. I know that you have either begged, or are thinking of doing so. NEVER do this. Would you really want your spouse to return to you out of pity? No!So when you want to save a marriage, it is imperative that you acknowledge your inability to deal with the situation correctly, and you ask for some unbiased outside advice. Actually, by reading this article you are doing exactly that – and that’s a good sign. Indeed, the Internet can be a very valuable source of outside advice on how to save a marriage.
After a break up or separation the thought that is most likely on your mind is how to get your husband back. It is possible for that to happen. There are steps you need to follow and the following are a good start.You need to be patient, you can go back to him promising him that you’ll change your ways or do anything he wants so you can get back together. You want to keep your contact with him to a minimum. A little hello or a friendly wave are fine. Just don’t things that will drive him away from you. The key is to draw him back to you, get him attracted to you again.It is very important right after a break up to not pester him. Don’t call or text him a bunch. Let some time pass, you can even let him know that you are okay with the break up.As time progresses you can start talking to him a little more, but keep it light and not too involved. Also it is fine for him to see that he is not the most important person in your life. If you’re both at a party and you’re talking and some of your friends show up, stop the conversation with him and go talk to your friends. Of course, be nice, but the message will be clear.If he calls you, don’t answer the phone and don’t return the call for a few hours or the next day, telling him that you have been real busy. You want him to wonder what you have been doing, create a sense of mystery and jealousy.
As anyone who is or has ever been married knows, keeping a marriage alive and strong is tough work. Why else would there be so many books containing endless relationship advice jamming the self-help sections of every local bookshop? Why else would there be numerous radio shows hosted by therapists and counselors?But there comes a point in some relationships when the therapists and the advice just aren’t enough–a point when the “tough work,” becomes just busy work and misery for both parties involved–or all parties involved, if there are children in the picture.I would venture to say that many couples today don’t really recognize that point for what it is. Either they call it quits far too early, not willing to invest in the time and effort it takes to get past the bumps in the road, or they hang on for far too long, submitting to abuse or impossible circumstances.One common reason why couples split is because they feel they have grown apart. This happened to a family member of mine when the marriage had lasted less than two years! If you feel that you are in this position, then you need to take the time to reevaluate your priorities.Is work or are the children demanding so much of your time that you don’t know each other anymore? Well, if you let it, this could be a great opportunity to fall in love all over again.See if your spouse would be open to instating a weekly date night. It doesn’t have to be anything too elaborate–just have a picnic in the park or take in a ball game. You could take turns planning the date night so that your spouse gets to understand what makes you, you–all over again.At first you might feel like your spouse is no longer the man or woman that you fell in love with–but that should be okay! People always grow and change. We’re human; it’s what we do! You shouldn’t hold that against your husband or wife. Like I said, try to make it an opportunity, not a cause for the breakdown of your whole marriage.Often, as a culture, when we speak of relationships, we focus on, “What is my partner doing or not doing to fulfill MY needs?” If you feel your relationship is on the brink of divorce, try inverting that question to focus on your spouse instead. What can you do to better see your partner’s needs are met?You might implicitly ask them that question. They may be surprised or even skeptical, but if you want to try to work past your problems, you have got to put them first. That is what a relationship is really all about.Of course, there are some situations where you have just got to get out. If your spouse is exhibiting physically or sexually abusive behavior toward you or your children, walk away–now. Emotional abuse may be corrected over time, but violent behavior is unlikely to.It may take a lot of consideration and thought to decide if you want to bail out of a marriage. But it won’t be easy one way or the other. You just ultimately have to decide which option is more worth it to you in the long run.
How to Save My Marriage – 2 Great Tips That Helped Me to Stop My Divorce, and They Will Help You Too
If you wander around the house, asking yourself “how do I save my marriage”, then I consider you my friend, and I say I hear you, and I feel strongly for you. The reason I called you a friend is simple – I have been in your exact situation, going around the house in desperate footsteps, crying and trying to think of ways of how to save a marriage. So, I know how bad, how really really horrible the situation of seeing your spouse moving away from you every day. I know the pains of seeing your marriage, crumbling before your eyes.I wasn’t one to sit back and see my marriage end, so I tried to do a lot of things. I was devastated, but I still wanted to stop my divorce. So I thought of several “methods” to save my marriage. I thought: Well, I act good to him and this obviously doesn’t work. Then how about I do the opposite?” Things like that. I thought, there HAD to be something that I could do to save my marriage!Fast forward to today. Saying that I have saved my marriage would be a HUGE understatement! Now my marriage is much better than it was even in our honeymoon! Cheer up, because you can do this too, my friend, you CAN fix your troubled marriage. I made a website to share my experiences of how I saved my marriage, and how to save a marriage in general, but before I give you the link, let me give some hints to you.Stop Begging. This is rule number one. Do not beg, or cry in front of, your spouse. The reason for this is very simple. There is a fundamental law in human behavior: “everyone wants whatever they can’t access or get”. To ending marriages and relationships, this can be transcribed as: “if you are easy to get for somebody, that somebody will want you less”. And every time you cry in front of your spouse stresses that you are easy to get for him or her, making him or her want you less.Be Absent. Not that you should leave the house and not come for a week, of course, but do not be in front of your spouse for the whole day. If it is Sunday, for example, just get out somewhere, maybe with your friends, and don’t return until it is evening.Now, let me give you the link to my web site that I had told you that I made before: Advice for Troubled Marriage.I wrote my experiences of saving my marriage and stop my divorce in my site. My friend – I have been successful in keeping my marriage, and I want to help you to do it, too. Click here to see my site!
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8.Even at the tender age of eight Lynette was onto something. I don’t have to mention this to the women reading: we men often practice selective deafness when our spouses and women friends talk to us. And we often run on and on about whatever interests us at the time–baseball scores, the stock market, stock car races, chain saws etc.–ignoring the feminine voice trying to tell us the dryer is on fire. The age old tale of Moses wandering around in the desert with the Israelites may have had some basis in actual fact; it could be that the old fellow may have been getting directions, just not hearing them very well. After all, the Sinai isn’t all that large a place.Why is it that people have a difficult time communicating, especially spouses, especially older spouses? Is it just because we have different interests? Are we built differently? Do men have smaller ears?Doesn’t matter, does it? It’s just true, and we have to learn to expect the difference, even if they’re just stylistic. Particularly as we grow older, hearing loss and styles of communicating become accentuated. Here, then, are a few tips on understanding the problem, and how to approach it in as courteous and loving way as possible to the benefit of your marriage. You might call it a sound investment in each other.Do you call your mate from another room in the house? This is such common practice you may not even realize it’s an irritation. Ask your mate, and their answer may surprise you. Particularly if your spouse is hard of hearing, they may tell you they hate it when you call to them from another room because they have to drop what they’re doing and go see what you want. They consider it disrespectful, and an interruption of whatever they’re doing. My wife and I work from home, in separate offices twenty feet apart, and we used to have this issue. Then we (actually I) understood she disliked the yelling back and forth, so we learned how to use our computers’ chat feature, and voila’, problem solved.The two of you may be operating with a different level of understanding, and the conversation may seem awkward, or strained. Thinking the conversation is over, mates have been known to simply walk away when this happens. As you might imagine, or if it’s happened to you, this is a mystifying outcome. Your spouse may believe you’re finished, or they may feel as if they’re being attacked in some way if they misunderstand. It’s been said that the real obstacle to understanding isn’t ignorance; it’s the illusion of knowledge. If we think we understand something but really don’t, all manner of mischief is possible. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, even if they seem inane or childish.Especially for older married couples, the possibility exists that the trouble communicating is related to some physical ailment, and should be investigated. Some people’s hearing does fluctuate over time. Those with Meniere’s disease often exhibit this characteristic, as do people with other hearing disorders. It’s important in these cases to understand that this natural fluctuation in hearing is in addition to the other factors that can cause variations in your mate’s ability to hear you. Here again, my experience may be helpful. My former career in aviation involved long periods exposed to high levels of sound, from turbine engines, screaming rotor blades, and radio frequencies drilling into my headset day after day. As conscientious as I tried to be, wearing ear plugs, headset and helmet all the time, my hearing loss is still significant. One thing my mate and I have learned to do is be aware of the deficit, and make adjustments accordingly: We don’t converse when the dishwasher is running; we don’t call each other on our cell phones from a windy place; we turn down the TV or radio prior to asking questions etc.; and we’re careful to get the others’ attention before trying to talk in a crowded room. If my wife realizes she hasn’t made herself clear, she’ll actually touch my arm, and repeat what she said. As an addendum to this, I never pull the deaf card when I actually forget something she told me to do, because, well, I’m a guy, I forget things. She seems able to remember what I said on our honeymoon, and every day thereafter. Go figure.As for situations that elicit irritation and possible conflict when differentials on hearing occur, here are a few to be aware of: Going out with friends. Did they understand you? Talking on the phone.It can be a source of real frustration for both of you when a hearing loss or inability to interact well with other people restricts your social life. Every one of us needs to get out with friends and family once in a while, and if one of you is threatened by that situation because you don’t hear well, it’s much easier to just stay home. One solution to this is to identify locales such as restaurants and the like where you know the extraneous noise level is low. Another possibility is to meet at someone’s home, or your own, or, if they insist on going out, call ahead for a table or booth in the quietest part of the facility.If you don’t know for sure whether or not your mate heard you it can be irritating, confusing, even dangerous. If hearing loss is a reality, perhaps a signal of some kind is in order. A simple question, such as “Did you hear me okay?” may suffice. On the other side of this scenario, the one who doesn’t hear well, or who has a habit of inattention, needs to acquire the habit of asking for a repeat, if that’s what it takes. No one likes being ignored; no one dislikes being asked for clarification.I already mentioned our difficulty with cell phones in the wind. My spouse has learned that any attempt to phone me when it’s windy is a study in frustration. So she doesn’t. She goes out of her way to find a calm spot, or waits till she’s inside.So communicating well in a quality marriage is more than just hearing each other, but it’s that, too. At some point it comes down to basic courtesy and appreciating your spouse’s interest. As they say, there’s a reason we have two ears and one mouth. In marriage that’s one bit of wisdom that helps create a sound investment for both of you. One last item: sometimes what’s truly important is hearing what your mate doesn’t say.
There is a secret behind every great marriage that lasts the test of time. This one simple decision among partners will help you get through the most difficult challenges your relationship will inevitably face. Armed with this knowledge you can save your marriage and stop divorce.For a relationship to endure the struggles of life it is imperative that each individual agrees to one fundamental element. Divorce is not an option. Agreeing as a couple that divorce will never solve the problems of a relationship and will never be considered is the single most important building block in marriage.Beginning with a foundation of understanding puts both people on notice that there needs to be another alternative. Divorce will not be discussed nor offered as a solution under any circumstances. Relationships that endure the difficult times and persevere end up becoming stronger through the process. Respect and trust is reinforced rather than being broken down.If any individual begins to offer the D word in conversation or during an argument it sends the message to the other person that it is a possibility. Once used in this way it becomes easier to throw it in to the mix. The offended partner begins to hear it more often and feels less secure in the commitment of their partner.Will a less secure partner brush it off and ignore it or will they respond by asking themselves, “if they ask for a divorce then what would my life look like?” “If they think divorce is an option now what will this look like in the future? Can I trust my partner? Is there someone else they are already interested in?” Granted many of these things may not be an issue but is this how you want your partner thinking?Imagine your worst argument. See a solution or an understanding or compromise that is reached. Imagine the feeling of reassurance this will provide your partner and yourself if you discuss or argue knowing that you are both committed to your marriage?Relationships are complicated and no two conflicts are identical. Understand that you are not the first couple to have faced the problems that you do and recognize there is help available to save your marriage and stop divorce.