“At the core, what rituals do is, they give you a sense of history, predictability, playfulness or something to look forward to.” – Dr. Carol Bruess, author of What Happy Couples Do.Everyone has rituals whether they realize it or not. Married couples have a lot of rituals, and they act as a kind of glue that holds the union intact, even in good times. Maybe especially in good times. The word ritual in fact, has the same root as the word rite, which is the act that makes us married people in the first place. From Latin ‘ritus’ via middle English for descriptions of ceremonies, the word has a long history with communities and couples. It also gave us the word arithmetic, originally meaning to count, or pronounce noteworthy. From the Encyclopedia Brittanica “Ritual is a specific, observable mode of behavior exhibited by all known societies. It is thus possible to view ritual as a way of defining or describing humans.”All known societies. That means all of us. In marriage, though, the rituals of our daily interaction describe not just the initiation or onset of a new status or identification, but an ongoing behavior that almost identifies us to each other. Think of the Newlywed Game TV show many years ago. Those young, or not so young, couples were asked to identify behaviors of their mates. Then the recently off-stage mate was asked to identify with those behaviors. It was interesting to note how many times couples got it wrong, meaning that one or the other didn’t recognize a ritual as such. Over time, those people will see more clearly the ways those behaviors impact their mate and the relationship.Rituals run the gamut from heartwarming to irritating, and everything in between. Some define roles in the relationship: he takes out the trash; she irons clothes, or the other way around. In some marriages he decides on vehicle matters; she defines the house and its contents. He might organize the vacation, while she sets up child care and the kennel.But the rituals that truly matter in a relationship are the fun, romantic, bonding behaviors that are like the DNA of the marriage. Call it couple glue. Here’s a list of wonderful rituals gathered over many years. They’re loving, fun, even fascinating snippets of creative outreach between people fortunate enough to be deeply in love with their mates, regardless of the number of years together. And the exhilarating part is, they’re available for use by everyone.Love notes–the old standby. Leave them everywhere, and at random. They don’t have to be extensive. In fact, shorter is better. Forget Twitter–write something.A single flower goes a long way.Be on the lookout for casual announcements from your mate such as “I’d sure like to…” Make that happen, and you’re the most romantic spouse on earth.After ‘hello’, say something uplifting and complimentary. “Have I told you lately that I adore you?” is far better than “Did you remember to cancel the paper?” Make it a ritual.Whisper. It’s incredibly romantic, and it drives the kids nuts. Great ritual.Home from work, just snuggle in complete silence for long minutes.Anticipate chores they hate, and do them ahead of time. This is love in action.Nicnames may sound silly, but they identify you. ‘Goofball, Fred, Betty, snuggle-butt, sexpot, honey-bear, there are a thousand of them, a million maybe.Remember their parents’ anniversaries/birthdays/death dates/red letter days.Two words: Chocolate and Port.Call them out of the blue.Carve your initials in a tree. Yes, inside a heart.Guys–open her car door for her. Old fashioned? Sure, that’s the point.Women–talk him up. Men simply love it when wives brag, especially if it’s true.Never share a mate’s deficiencies with anyone.Guys–listen.Women–tell your mate what you want.Guys–no teasing, about anything.Women–no criticizing, just pose ‘opportunities to improve’.Select a keyword. Use it for ‘rescue me’, or ‘I need you to listen’, or ‘I’d rather not invite the Johnsons to dinner because they snipe at each other’. Keywords are handy. My wife and I use ‘fascinating’, as in, ‘The Johnsons are fascinating people, dear’. Guess who doesn’t get invited? Another, somewhat more exciting keyword can signal a desire for sex. The secret there is that every couple has one of these already whether they acknowledge it or not.Rituals are such a critical part of relationships it’s good to identify the ones that define ours. Everyone has them; everyone needs them. It may even be more important to identify those which cause us irritation and discomfort over time–the way dirty clothes are left around, closets in disarray, those after dinner retreats to the den, leaving dirty dishes. Those are rituals, too. They may hold us together in ways we didn’t anticipate, minor irritations that we mention to friends in negative ways. In that regard we ought to turn them around, insert positives in their place, and reap the reward of their impact on the relationship.Maybe the best ritual of all is to simply show gratitude for everything your mate does. Marriage isn’t all sweetness and light, after all. It involves the interaction of two people who will have two different styles in everything from money to sex to clutter, to child-rearing. The best way to steer clear of petty clashes and irritation about those stylistic differences is to find something positive about the issue at hand, and be grateful for the way your mate handles it. Gratitude goes a long way to soothing upsets. It’s a good ritual to acquire in any marriage. Couple glue should be warm and bonding. Great rituals can help make that happen. Remember, ritual sounds a lot like rich.
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Seeing a marriage crumble before your eyes is sad. If that marriage is YOUR marriage, it is plain devastating – especially so if you’re the side who doesn’t want the marriage to end.If you are in such a situation, I feel for you, as I had been in the same situation some time ago. My husband was not interested in me any more and I did not know what to do to save my marriage. After some time I had tried a lot of different things but none worked. So I felt like I could never stop my divorce and save my marriage.But now, I did save my marriage and not only that, but my marriage is even better than it used to be when we were in our honeymoon! And I can confidently say this to you now – every marriage can be saved. And every marriage should be saved – because marriages are sacred and without them a nation cannot continue.The method I used to save my marriage is called “playing the inaccessible”. I think that speaks for itself – you play the “inaccessible” person to your spouse, which suddenly makes you a lot more attractive than the “please don’t leave me! I don’t want to divorce!” spouse.I know that it sounds easy and is easier said than done. But trust me – you can do it. The laws of the universe aren’t going to change anytime soon. Which law am I referring to? Why, “People Want What They Can’t Have” law, of course! This is not ever going to change and you need to use it to your advantage rather than to your disadvantage. This law works to your disadvantage at the moment. If you manage to turn the tables and make it work to your ADVANTAGE, then you will save your marriage!
I often get emails from folks who tell me that they’re experiencing some disconnect in their marriage. Common phrases that might be used to describe this are things like: “I feel like we’re just going through the motions in our marriage;” or “I feel like we’re drifting apart;” or “I just don’t feel the same way about my spouse anymore;” or “the spark or chemistry is no longer there.”Believe it or not, all of these feelings or perceptions stem from one thing and one thing alone – a lack of or a lessening intimacy. And I promise you, this can be fixed because this is often caused by a lack of effort or time. It may sound cliche to say that you get out of something what you put into it, but in the case of marriage, few statements are as true as this one. I’ll explain this more in the following article.A Startling Contrast: Often when I tell people that the lack of intimacy that they are experiencing is most probably due to neglect, they’ll sigh and I’m often pretty sure that this isn’t what they wanted to hear. Because on some level, they already know this, but they thought or hoped that their problem was unique or could be resolved with a quick fix. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.For just a second, stop for a minute and think about the two of you and your relationship when you were first dating. How much time would you say that you spent together then? How creative were you in finding things that the two of you could do that were fun and would bring you closer together? How willing were you to schedule around other obligations to spend more time with the person that you loved?Now, how reluctant were you to show the person that you loved any flaws? How often did you put your best foot forward, careful to show them only the best, most agreeable, most fun loving, and most attractive version of yourself? How often did you do nice things for them to show them that you’d been paying careful attention and to show them that their happiness was important to you?Few people can deny that they put in a lot more time and effort in the beginning. This is the point where you’re trying to reel your spouse in and to become an important person in their life. This is the point in time where you find that magic sweet spot where you see them enough to be intimate, but not enough that it ever seems like too much. In short, you leave both of you with wanting more.Now, contrast this with how things are today? How often do you put in the time and effort so that when you are together, you do fun things or experience meaningful conversation that brings you closer together? If you can come up with a number (and few people can) try to contrast this with the number that could be compared when you were first dating. I know this is difficult. Few people have the perspective to actually be able to do this, but I’ll give you an example. Let’s say when you were dating, you spent roughly ten hours per week together bonding and creating intimacy. And, this time and effort made you feel like you were “deeply in love.” This was a wonderful feeling that you wanted more of, so it seemed to be not that great of a sacrifice to put other things on the back burner so that you had this kind of flexibility and pay off.Now, let’s say that right now, because of children, jobs, and other obligations, you’re able to squeeze in say, two hours per week bonding and being alone with your spouse. That’s what, 1/5 of what you were spending before? And how “present” are you at that time? Because most of us just watch TV side by side with our spouse and hope that this counts for quality time. So, if we follow this logic, you’re spending 1/5 of the time that you used to spend with your spouse, but you’re expecting to feel 100% of the intimacy that you felt? And it’s also likely that you’re also only putting in 1/5 of the effort that you used to?I know that this seems like a silly example, but stop and think about it for just a second. I don’t tell you this to make you feel at all guilty because you are the norm. Most people are having the exact same experience that you are having right now. We are all so busy with our jobs, our children, and trying to stay afloat in this awful economy that by the time that we can squeeze in a few hours of couple time, we’re too exhausted to give or to receive it in a meaningful and enthusiastic way. How can we change this? By changing our priorities.Making Marital Intimacy And Closeness A High Priority: Hopefully, I’ve made very clear that it is my experience and that I firmly believe that there is a direct correlation between how much time you put into your marriage with how intimate you feel in it. You simply can not expect to feel the feelings if you are not sharing the experiences. Yet, we all let this slide under the rug. And, this is the first behavior that must change.A close and fulfilling marriage is one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself and your children. It is your shelter against life’s turbulence and it is better than anything that money, status, or time can buy. So, you must put it at the top of your to do list. It may seem selfish. It may seem impossible at first. But, you must do it.And sure, in the beginning, it may well seemed forced and awkward. There may be some silent pauses or some stumbles over your words. You may feel quite vulnerable and resent having to work so hard, but it gets so much easier in time and when the pay off begins to come (which it will) you will see that it is worth it and can continue on until you make it a habit. If you can do this, I guarantee that in a few months time, you will no longer be just going through the motions in your marriage.
Weight increase after marriage is a fact!Marriage is a beautiful thing and which everyone looks forward to. Months and sometimes years of preparations are invested for this special day. Finally, when the day arrives, everything seems to go by so fast. After the reception is over, the newlyweds leave to their special honeymoon place. As newly weds, everything is sweet, beautiful and very romantic. Life styles drastically change, adopting a new sense of urgency and priorities, the newlyweds typically change their goals and unconsciously, their physical appearance.As researchers have been able to prove with multiple studies, married people have at least a 63% of becoming fat during the first 3 years of marriage. Why do we get fat in the first years? Multiple studies have been able to pinpoint changes in life styles to the main reason of married people gaining weight.During a study performed at the University of North Carolina (UNC) a total of 6,936 married individuals admitted to a lack of use on their gym membership just months after getting married. The same individuals admitted to have gained at least 15 lbs. during the first 2 years of marriage.As priorities change after marriage, sitting at the family table for breakfast and dinner is a MUST, leaving very little time for physical/extracurricular activities outside of the house. Also other studies demonstrate a slight weight-loss for newlyweds that decide to become parents in the early years of the marriage. The physical activities associated with raising a child can very much be the cause of a weight decline.How dangerous is weight increase in a relationship? This is a taboo question since marriage supposed to be a commitment for the good and bad. However, in a recent study by Obesity it is very clear that weight can cause a serious dent to a stable relationship.The top three problems that come out of weight increase during marriage are; #1 – Infidelity As one of the partners in a relationship begins to swell up, the other partner becomes aware of the physical changes taking place. Buying bigger size cloths, spending more money in food are just some of the new tactics obese individuals might utilize to satisfy their needs.When one of the partners reaches the obese tag, the other begins to have their doubts and can easily become attracted to someone else with a better physical appearance.Obese men, may be more likely to have marital problems because their wives may be pressuring them to lose weight; such pressure may lead to hostility and conflict #2 – Money Gaining weight usually comes after spending more money at the market, or eating out. And when newlyweds become more comfortable with each other, it’s really hard to focus or spend time on something as enduring as going to the gym. It’s easier to go to the local Ice Cream store and eat a banana split together then go back home to bed.Weight increase can also cause a health insurance to increase premiums due to frequency of utilization. During the first two years of marriages, husbands and wives tend to exercise less and eat more but only husbands gained weight#3 – Health Weight increase is a recipe for disaster in the human body. There is nothing good that comes out of packing extra pounds. Higher cholesterol might indicate a stroke, diabetes, anemia, etc. All of this potential health issue can very well be related to weight and partners may suffer the frustration of suffering any of these symptoms and perhaps pressure from the other partner to shed some pounds. In conclusion, marriage is a beautiful thing and weight should NOT be the reason to think twice about committing. However, these studies provide information to individuals getting ready for the big jump on how to approach life after marriage to avoid becoming another FAT static when it comes to weight increase before and after marriage.
If you are asking the question how can I save my marriage then one of the things that you have to do is not to act out of desperation. Once you become desperate then you may not be able to find the answer that you are looking for. Instead of becoming desperate, you must approach the problem with an attitude of being hopeful. As long as you still have love in your heart for your spouse, then there is still great hope that the two of you will be back together. Love got the two of you together so love is the only force that can also bring your relationship back to life. Having a troubled marriage is very common nowadays so it means that you are not the only person in the world who is experiencing this kind of problem. Everyday, we hear of stories of couples undergoing divorce, What we don’t get to hear are stories of couples who are able to save their marriages. This is because this is not the kind of stories that most people want to hear. Indeed, news about divorce makes people think that divorce is the norm and that marriages undergoing marital problems are sure to end up in divorce. This is the reason behind the hopelessness of people undergoing marital problems. Each marriage is unique. The problem of one married couples is different from the problem of another. Do not compare your marriage to other marriages. Your problems are unique and the only one who can solve your problems is you and your spouse. Solving your problems may be simpler and easier to do than you may originally expected. In fact, the best solution to any marital problems is for couples to simply spend more time with each other. Just commit to having regular dates. They do not have to be fancy. You can spend a quiet evening at home and that will already count as a date. The point is for the two you to get a chance to really talk and not just chat. Allow yourselves to get deep and honest with each other. Asking how can I save my marriage is a good start. This means that you are willing to know the answers. Pat yourself on the back for your willingness to revive a dying relationship. Now it is time to act and put to test the methods stated above.
Marriage can sometimes turn unhappy for couples that are involved. This can be a time of uncertainty, disappointment and there seems no reconciliation for any of it does there? But what if it can come back you, as you pluck out the pain and give yourselves a fresh start? One that you can never imagine?The causes for unhappiness may be due to infidelity, sexless marriage, no affection or lack of communication. Goals may be different and apparent with couples involved. Although, as you turn to realize that you are not alone in this, then there is still a way that you can fix your marriage and save if for the better. Perhaps, if you give your situation a different approach and give yourself a new aspect in life to turn it around, than your luck may turn for the better.The will of wanting and doing something about your unhappy marriage is important during these times. Confusion and the uncertainty of it all can drive you both simply crazy. But with a little patience and proper guidance you can see it though completely. Apply the right methods an strategic procedures to improve your marriage is most important and keen for it longevity and survival.Unhappiness in a marriage can create distrust between both people and this distrust can only grow like a wild fire, until a disaster comes out of it and strikes you both down. Don’t live with such an uncertainty. As you approach a new method of handling an unhappy marriage, then you will be able to see how to better interact with your spouse and attain the level of quality one can only expect form a happy and prosperous marriage. Learn how to fix a relationship and marriage effectively.
Marriage problems are a fact of life. Most people struggle at some time with conflict that involves them and their partner. It’s difficult when you feel the love slipping out of your relationship and you’re not sure what you can do to stop the destruction. If you aren’t ready to call it quits and if you still love your spouse, fixing a broken marriage is what you need to focus on. You can save the relationship and in fact, you can actually nurture it to a place where you both love each other more than ever.Most of us, when we are living in a less than perfect marriage, point the finger of blame directly at our spouse. It’s easier to cast blame on their shoulders for the problems you two are going through instead of owning up to your part in the problems. You need to take a moment or two to reflect on your own behavior. Things like nagging, anger and resentment can all have a negative impact on a marriage. If you’ve been treating your spouse in a way that is making them feel less loved than when you two first got together, you need to own up to that. It’s easy to fall into a trap where we start taking advantage of the person we love most. If you’ve done this you need to show your partner how much you truly do treasure them, before it’s too late.Another of the effective tips for fixing a broken marriage is to give your spouse a platform where they can talk openly about their feelings. This seems straightforward and simple, but it’s not at all. Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves when we feel the person we love is being critical. However, you two can’t truly understand the depth of your problems unless you address them openly and in an environment where there isn’t any fear of backlash. A good exercise to accomplish this is to allow each other a specific amount of time to talk about your feelings without any interruption. This can go a long way towards rebuilding the relationship.
Wouldn’t life be magnificent if you and your husband could sustain the same feelings throughout your marriage, that you felt the day you wed? Unfortunately for most of us, the honeymoon phase just doesn’t last. Over time you may feel that your husband’s feelings for you have shifted. This is a common problem and it leaves many women feeling rejected and confused. If you are worried that your spouse no longer cares for you to the same degree he once did, there is help. You can make your husband fall in love again and it’s not nearly as hard as you may think.If you want to make your husband fall in love again you have to consider the dynamic of the relationship today compared to what it was when you first married. We all change over time and that’s especially true of couples who have children. When little ones arrive you go from being a man and woman in love to being parents. A lot of responsibilities suddenly impact you and your time together just isn’t the same. It’s easy to fall into a trap where you start to take your spouse for granted. If you’ve done this, it can result in your husband not feeling as close to you as he once did. You need to work on recreating the same feelings that were once there. That means spending more time together just as a couple and not always as co-parents. Arrange for babysitting one night every couple of weeks and just focus on each other. Once your husband feels you putting him back to the top of the priority list, it will change how he feels about you.You also need to become his biggest supporter again. This is a great way to make your husband fall in love again. Men want to be with women who are proud of them, and women who support them in every thing they do. Tell your husband on a daily basis how much you love him and how much you appreciate everything he does for you and your children. Make him feel like a hero and he’ll be instantly drawn to you all over again.
Why does a marriage turn bad? Well it is probably because you and your partner haven’t been learning and growing with each other. If the relationship with your partner has not been learning from it’s mistakes and growing from it’s experiences then your marriage is definitely missing something. The longer your marriage continues without you tending to what it is missing, it will become worst and much harder to fix.If a person wants to fix a bad marriage they have to focus on the principles that will help their marriage grow.1. Find Out What Your Partner Wants From YouThere is nothing more frustrating than guessing what your partner wants from you. Maybe you can stumble upon what it is they want, but your bad marriage will become better a lot quicker if you can know exactly what your partner actually wants from you.2. If You Like Something About Your Partner Tell ThemWhether you know it or not, your partner will love to hear compliments from you. Not only will they love to hear your compliments, but they will love to hear it on a regular basis. There is always something your partner does, or something about your partner that makes you smile. Instead of recognizing the good qualities of your partner and not saying how much you admire them, take advantage of the opportunity by telling them you love them.Fixing a bad marriage will take time, but if you begin putting some ot these tips into action your marriage will eventually get better.
Mostly, I get people who are struggling to save their marriages as visitors to my blog. But sometimes, I also get folks who are struggling with the question of when is the right time to leave the marriage. And, these folks also wonder how they can tell when (or if) they have reached this point. I believe that mostly, these folks are not yet at a place where they are entirely comfortable with the way that they are leaning in terms of ending their marriages. If they were, they would not have found my site, which details my struggles as I tried to save my marriage. Still, I often try very much to be objective and to offer what insights that I can. I’ll tell you what I typically tell them in the following article.Deal Breakers That Mean You Should Leave Your Marriage Now: I have to be fair and upfront. For the most part, I lean toward saving marriages when at all possible. However, there are some circumstances with which I have no patience. These are cases of abuse – whether it is verbal, physical, or emotional. My stance is the same whether it is the spouse who is being hurt or whether it is a child in the household. It will typically become clear pretty quickly if your spouse is willing or able to be rehabilitated. My rule is often that they get only one chance to turn themselves around. The second time that they commit the same acts, this is the deal breaker and this is when it becomes an unhealthy pattern that you must break. I know that this is difficult, but often removing yourself from the situation is the only safe way, and is also the only way that is likely going to get their attention if they are able to be rehabilitated.People will often assume that I believe that infidelity is one of these deal breakers. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes if you are dealing with a repeat cheater who is never really going to change, then that may be a different story. However, many cases of marital infidelity can be very successfully worked though. In fact sometimes, the marriage is even made better so long as both parties work together to right what is wrong.Clues That You’re Ready To Leave Your Marriage: Before I tell you what I believe are some of the cornerstones of someone who is really ready to walk away from their marriage, I should tell you that most people who I talk to have not yet reached this point. If they had, they probably wouldn’t be asking the question because they would be at peace with their decision enough that they didn’t worry that they were making the wrong call.However, I do run across folks who have reached this point occasionally. It’s pretty easy to pick them out. They aren’t anxious about my reply. They’re likely going to proceed no matter what I say. They know that there is nothing that can change their mind because they know that they have tried everything that there is to try and have attempted every possible method and effort that could save their marriage. They have done everything in their power to ensure that this ends in as healthy a manner as possible. To that end, there is generally no animosity, resentment, anger, or fear. Generally in these cases both parties are ending things as amicably as possible. This can generally happen because they both know that they tried everything that they could so there is no need for blaming or fear that they are ending things too soon. Generally, there is no jealousy. Both parties want the other to be happy and would support their ex in another loving relationship.What If You Still Have Doubt That You Should Leave The Marriage?: Often, people will tell me that they can’t honestly say that they’ve yet reached these levels. They often have to admit that they’ve held back in some way, left something unsaid, or have employed some defense mechanism that may have thwarted a reconciliation. Deep down, they realize that they might have a problem with their spouse being with someone else because there are unresolved issues there or feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment present.Almost always, these left over feelings stem mostly from unfinished business. So, if you still have that nagging little feeling that won’t let you leave with a clear conscience and without doubt, ask yourself if there is any unfinished business that you have not yet addressed. Often, there absolutely is and it’s not until you’ve fully addressed it that you will feel this burden lift.I remember that before my husband I started having problems, I would always remember Dr. Phil telling viewers that they had to “earn they way out of a marriage.” In other words, if they wanted to leave their marriage with a clear conscience, they had to know that they turned over every stone to save it first. This used to annoy me when I was happily married. I used to think that these phrases were very easy for Dr. Phil to say, considering he and Robin seemed blissfully happy.But, knowing what I know now, I have to suspect that, like all couples, Phil and Robin have had some issues over the years. (I actually know this to be true from reading both of their books.) But, I also suspect that they dug in and did the hard work needed to get back on track. If you haven’t yet done this work, and you’re still researching the right time to end your marriage, perhaps you have not yet done all of this work. Could that be possible? If you suspect that is true, you owe it to yourself (and to your spouse and children, if you have them) to cover all of the bases so that when and if you do try to proceed forward alone, you won’t have the doubt that you do right now.