The other day, I received an email from a wife who was now living on her own. Her husband had left their home for what they were calling a “trial separation.” She was a bit panicked because she was not at all ready for the marriage to end but she was afraid that this so called separation was the beginning of the end. She wanted to know how to best handle the situation so that he would come home and they could then work on the marriage. She was not enjoying being separated at all, but she couldn’t get a read on where her husband’s head was or what he wanted. I’ll tell you what I told her in the following article.Understanding Why Your Husband Might Have Wanted The Trial Separation: First off, let’s try to get a handle on why men often want some time apart. I have many of them visit my blog and either leave comments for moderation or email me. They often say that they just want some time away so that they can hear and then sort out their feelings and thoughts without having to answer to you everyday and without worrying about your presence distorting their feelings.Women often worry that a trial separation is just a way for a man to begin to live on his own – and that it’s really just step one of a divorce. This is not always the case. Sometimes, the time apart brings feelings to the surface that were feared gone or were long since buried. Often times, the distance allows him to miss your presence and some of the anger and tension will start to be forgotten and abate. This gives you both time to calm down and reflect on your feelings from a much less volatile place. I know that it probably doesn’t feel like being separated is a positive thing, but if you play your cards right, it can allow you to change some perceptions that might be plaguing the marriage right now.Changing His Perceptions During Your Trial Separation (Step One Of Getting Him Back Home): Often when I tell women that they really have a perception problem on their hands, they don’t believe me. They are very skeptical of this. But, I’ve talked to so many men that I know this to be the case. He’ll often distance himself because he thinks that things might be greener on the other side of the fence – he thinks that he may be better off without you than with you. Obviously, if you want him back, you’re going to need to change his mind about this.And here is where many wives veer off what is the correct path. They instinctively realize that they have to change these perceptions, but often they will go about it in the wrong way. They’ll try to convince him that things are going to change, forgetting that he’s heard these promises before. Or, they’ll try to convince him that his perceptions are quite wrong. They’ll debate. They’ll engage. They’ll slather on a healthy dose of guilt. What they don’t realize at the time is that they’re only piling on negative emotions that are going to be very hard to dig their way out of.You must change his perceptions with your actions – actions that are realistic for you to continue. You don’t want to make false promises or imply things that just aren’t going to happen. Because if you do, he will only come to resent with misrepresentation later. And, he will begin to doubt much of what you say.Beginning To Take The Actions That’s Going To Bring Him Home After The Trial Separation: To begin, take a long hard look at what he loved about you and what is missing right now. I will give you a hint. So many men tell me that their wives do not have the time for them. The kids come first, the job comes second, the house comes third, and he comes last. Eventually, he comes to very much resent this. He fears that you don’t value him or feel the same way that you once did and therefore, his frustration evolves until he begins to feel anger and indifference. He may well voice his concerns to you but you either tell him he’s overreaching or you tell him that you’re doing the best you can to juggle all of the balls that you have in the air.So, he eventually just stops asking. He shuts down. He distances himself from you. Obviously, you have a lot of perceptions to change now. But, having said this, I also must tell you that you should not try to solve all of your problems at this time. Right now, your biggest obstacle is getting him to see that you are willing to put in the effort to make some real and noticeable changes.I want for you to think long and hard about the qualities that he used to love the most about you and I want for you to stress those qualities every time that you interact with him. Now, there is a fine line between doing this and not holding up your end of the bargain. You need to give him the time that he has asked for. You do not want to appear clingy or incapable, but you also need to make every encounter count. Each time you talk to him or are with him, concentrate only on displaying the qualities that he is missing.Now, I”m not telling you to be in genuine or to play games. I’m asking you to play on the attributes that attracted him in the fist place. These attributes are yours. You have always had them. You just need to bring them forth once again so that he can see that things in fact can change and aren’t as hopeless or as set as he thought.
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A marriage is all about communication – because it’s about making two completely different people live under one roof. Without a good communication, a marriage is destined to end in divorce. Do you think your marriage is troubled? If you want to fix your marriage, you first have to understand if it’s really heading for the end, because “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” So, here are the signs of an ending marriage:
Do you see your spouse less and less? This might be one of the key signs that your spouse doesn’t like to be married to you any more – because in most of those situations your spouse is “trying out being alone” to see if he (or she) is happier without you.
Are the subjects of your quarrels getting fundamental and more persisting? It means the view differences in your life are taking hold and separating you from your spouse. It might be damaging to your marriage because fixing those fundamental view differences can be difficult.
Are “petty fights” getting more serious? Small fights over small problems (like “don’t leave the kitchen light open”) are normal, but when there are big fights over small problems, it can indicate that now anything can lead to a big fight and all of those big fights can hurt your marriage.
I saw my marriage ending day by day, but even though I anticipated it, I was devastated when my husband told me he no longer wanted to stay married to me. In the end I saved my marriage and now everything is very good – and looking back, I can see what had led to the troubles.