If the love in your marriage is gone find out where it went. Really! Where did it go? Love isn’t like a pair of keys that you’ve put down somewhere and can’t find. It’s not like the remote control that could possibly be buried between the cushions of the couch. Really now. I’ve never heard the question “who has the love? I can’t find it anywhere in this house!” Or what about a statement like “I can’t find my darn love. I must have left it somewhere, but I just can’t remember where.” OK, I think you probably get the picture, right?Let me tell you what love is and how to find it the next time you think you’ve lost it.1 Corinthian 13:4-7 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.There it is, the truth straight from the bible, what love is. If you’re reading here you are searching how to find that loving feeling you’ve lost.Love is patient – how patient are you with your spouse? Love is kind – what have you done kind for your spouse lately?It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud – does envy, boast or proud describe you? It is not rude – I know there comes a time that you’ve been rude to your spouse, am I right? It is not self-seeking – oh boy, here is the big one! Self-centeredness is the biggest reason for divorce. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of your spouse.It’s not easily angered – men, this is usually you. Are you able to keep yourself from being angered by your spouse? It keeps no record of wrongs – women, this is talking to you. Can you not let go of the wrong you’ve been done?Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. Love rejoices in truth. Truth of the word possibly? Are you living the truth and rejoicing in truth? It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always preserves!Now, I ask you, where did that loving feeling go?
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These days, it’s pretty rare to hear this saying. Speaking for myself for a moment, I have always agreed with, and actually lived by it. But the big question is, does it work in marriage? Quite simply, the answer is ‘yes’. In this media saturated age, it’s almost become acceptable to be dishonest, deceitful and instead of working to make things better in your marriage, simply giving up and moving on to the next person. Ask yourself this though:-That day you decided to get married, what made you decide it was the right thing to do?You could have any number of answers to that question. Is it any of these?”I was in love at the time”.”I was young and stupid.”"He/she was putting pressure on me and I caved in”.”We’d been together so long that it seemed like a natural step”.”I wanted a big/romantic wedding day”.”I was pregnant”.I’d wager that at least one of these applies to you. Which one isn’t important. You are reading this now either because things aren’t going the way you want them to or you simply want things to be better. Maybe you are here in a last ditch effort to save your marriage. Another saying I really like is ‘If you don’t ask, you don’t get’. This is never more true than in personal relationships. Have you been honest with your partner about what you want from them? Have you been honest about how you feel about the current state of your marriage? If not, then this is perhaps the most important step you’ll take towards improving or even saving your marriage. If your partner follows suit then you have a solid foundation on which to build, no matter what the problem areas of the marriage are.Opening up and being honest with each other builds emotional intimacy, one of the most important factors of a healthy marriage. Without emotional intimacy and trust, it’s a lot to ask for two people to stay together for a long period of time. The more unhappy your marriage is, the more these two things will dwindle and eventually you’ll end up going your separate ways as a result. Marriage is like a child in that it needs to be nurtured, given attention and protected. It’s a very special thing – treat it as so.Internalize these two sayings, I live by them – perhaps you should too.Honesty is the best policy.If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
I said “let’s save your marriage!” because I have saved my marriage myself, and now looking back, I see all the wrong and correct things I have done; and I am very confident that ALL marriages, regardless of their problems, can be saved. It is entirely in YOUR hands to save your marriage. If you do what is right, you get your marriage back; and if you do the wrong things then your marriage will fail altogether.Some people might think that you can do nothing yourself to save your marriage – it depends only upon your spouse. This couldn’t be further away from the truth! I have lived it firsthand that you can guide to your marriage into and out of crisis. When I did the wrong things everything became worse, but when I looked for outside advice and learned what the right things to do are, everything became better. So it was me determining the course of the marriage.When their spouses tell them they want a divorce, or when they see that their marriage is in a crisis it might never come out of; most people (including me) panic and go desperate. They look for a quick fix that will cure everything within the marriage, because they are desperate to repair the marriage as quick as possible before it heads to divorce. Unfortunately, this is the wrong thing to do. Whatever is causing the marriage crisis has, in all likelihood, built and grown up in the entire course of the marriage; and because it didn’t appear overnight, it cannot be cured overnight.The right thing to do to save your marriage is to allow yourself some very precious time and calm down. This will serve THREE very important purposes. First, it will rid you of your desperation and prevent you to do the wrong things in a desperate state of mind. Second, it will make you look at the marriage, the crisis, and the underlying fundamental problems from a much wider perspective; enabling you to come up with the right solutions. Third, it will give your spouse a very crucial period of time in which he or she will rethink everything and might possibly reconsider the thought of divorce.
Many generations ago, marriage was about survival, property, money, securing family dynasties, and pragmatism, not love or sexual intimacy. Marriage remained popular largely because of the stigma attached to sex outside of marriage.Now “love” is the main reason given for tying the knot, but do most couples share enough compatibility, including chemistry, to spend the rest of their lives together?After over 25 years of empirical research involving relationships, spirituality, matchmaking, and personality and compatibility assessment, we’ve found that most couples don’t.True Compatibility is Very RareInitially, it can be difficult to perceive a new relationship clearly, as the illusion of romantic love can cloud judgment. Most who plan to get married think they’re a great match, but having life-long, true compatibility including mutual chemistry and mutual physical and sexual attraction is very rare, even among couples that appear to have the perfect relationship.Then you must consider the fact that people evolve (or regress) at various rates, which commonly pulls a couple apart over the course of their lives.When evaluating someone’s personality, we discern an individual’s strengths and challenges. Mix in their unique timing, the compatibility assessments, and idiosyncrasies (physical and, or habitual) that repel instead of attract a potential match, and the level of genuine harmony concerning two people is brought to light.We’ve found that most couples, especially when the relationship begins in their teens or 20s, lack the long-term mutual compatibility that is needed for a life-long, happy relationship. We estimate that 90% or more of couples don’t even come close to the more desirable, higher levels of compatibility, including great chemistry.What about sacrifice, you say? If you love someone, shouldn’t you be willing to sacrifice? Only to a point, as being a martyr isn’t healthy. While it might be considered noble, and certainly a good relationship is worth some sacrifice, too much will make you die inside over time.So What do You do?Are you supposed to just stay single or unhappily involved for the rest of your life?It’s Not Your FaultIf you’ve read the best-selling self-help books and, or attended the popular seminars but you’re still not living the love life you think you should be, the so-called relationship experts aren’t telling you the whole story. It’s their fault. We show you what they are hiding, or don’t even know!It’s Not For EveryoneOur recommendations and advice are not for those who insist on viewing all the romantic myths and illusions (see the next column in two weeks for more information) as truth and refuse to face the reality of relationships. You will benefit from what we have to share if you are willing to look at your love life from a different vantage point.Some of the following suggestions may sound overly-simplistic, but you’d be surprised how few people follow them on a regular basis. Some may seem out of the ordinary, but since our society’s relationship customs aren’t working out so well, we urge you to consider them.6 Tips for a Better Love life1) Be realistic. It’s okay to want the experience of love and romance and even the fantasy of the ideal relationship. But it’s better to allow each possible relationship to unfold naturally and be what it is meant to be. Try not to project your wishes and expectations onto someone.2) Don’t look for someone to fulfill your every need or expect this from a partner. Each person you become involved with entails different reasons and lessons, often unknown to you in the beginning. With the right direction, you can see your potential matches more clearly from the start. Don’t expect your partner to be there for you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually at all times, because they may not be capable of it and it’s not your right to demand this. Developing friendships outside of your relationship and self-reliance will help solve this common problem.3) Try to enjoy each other with no expectations. If you feel insecure about doing this without a “commitment,” you may want to reexamine why, if your reasons are still valid, and how you might be able to overcome your fears.4) Do as much as you can to work through relationship problems, but also accept that most relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, as evidenced by our long-term findings, the high divorce rates, and the multitudes who remain unhappily married.5) If you insist on marriage, make sure you share compatibility including mutual chemistry that you suspect is strong enough to last for the rest of your life (be honest with yourself about this). Waiting at least a few years before getting married is a good idea to ensure that you’re not confusing compatibility, including chemistry, with romantic illusion. Comprehensive numerology, astrology, and handwriting analysis with an experienced practitioner are great tools to define your levels of compatibility.6) If you’re already married or involved in a marriage-like relationship and you’re both truly happy (not just content), you should feel very grateful. If one or both of you are unhappy, consider the restrictions and demands of your legally-binding agreement that may be at the root of this, and investigate ways to improve your bond, such as therapy. Accepting each other as you are (not as you think they should be) and the relationship as it is will also help. If you’ve done all that you can and feel it’s time to move on, it may be.
If you want to save your marriage, let me first say that I congratulate your decision of not choosing the easy path – just letting it end. It is always easy to say “it didn’t work out”. But what we are talking about is a marriage – it is not a simple, come and go thing. Marriages are holy and they are meant to unite two people in a sacred bond, extending beyond this life. So my friend, you are doing the right thing in trying to save your marriage.I called you my friend because I have been in the same situation and have gone through exactly the same things as you are going through right now. My marriage was ending, and I wanted to stop the divorce. Day and night, I tried to come up with methods of how to save a marriage by myself, I thought and thought. At the end I saved my marriage (thank God!) but now with methods I came up with myself. Ä±n fact, what I personally thought of was nearly ensuring that my marriage would end.When you want to save your marriage, it means you are in an ending marriage. Being in an ending marriage limits your ability of effective thinking. It was exactly the same with me. All I could think of was to “talk to him, beg to him, cry to him” kind of stuff.This is exactly what you should avoid. If you want to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is immediately stop trying to come up with methods yourself and seek outside advice.
Is your relationship heading for a break up, as you and your spouse slowly drift apart? Has the life gone out of your marriage, and you know no idea how to get it back in your life? There have been other couples in your situation and they were able to recharge the love they had thought was lost, you can accomplish this too. The first step in the process of healing a failing marriage, is to realize why it is failing in the first place.Many experts say that the main grounds for divorce is that couple do not communicate with each other and they don’t resolve their conflicts. In order to keep your relationship balanced, both partners must be able to communicate and exercise unified conflict resolution. Couples in a strong marriage will most times have good skills when it comes to conflict resolution and communication, whereas a couple troubled with their marriage will most times state that those areas are fine in their marriage.Despite where a couple may be in the present, the possibility of a more unified marriage is always there as long as the readiness to fix the problems is there. Don’t panic to experiment with new methods of communications with you marriage, these methods that been studied and perfected to become effective. Listen to what others have to share in regards to keeping their lines of communication open, don’t let your problems fester but bring them into the light, this will give you better chance at saving your marriage.Marriage is special and worth the energy to save. You need to do anything you can possibly do in order to get your marriage back on track. Afterall, who wants to endure the pain and distress that divorce will surely bring? You can save your marriage and make things work, though it may be hard and time-consuming, as well.
Have you ever said to your partner the age old phrase, “We need to talk?” If your marriage has ever been in trouble, I’m sure you’ve had the conversation that we all dread having with our spouse, and it almost always causes more problems than it fixes.The “Big Talk” is that heart to heart one you have about the problems in your relationship. You two will talk about the problems that are going on, your partner will suddenly understand your point of view, things will instantly start to improve, and your marriage will be better than it’s ever been before. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that talk is not going to go the way you want it to. If you’re truly asking yourself, “How do I save my marriage,” trust me, this approach is not the way to do it.This is why the “big talk” doesn’t work: The reason why marriages get into trouble is because of a lack of connection. Somewhere along the way you and your partner start to feel disconnected. You and your spouse stopped doing things together that you used to love doing. You forget that you used to do things when you were dating that you just don’t do anymore. Life gets busy and stressful, so love and romance seem to go out the door, and that connection that you once had…breaks.So when it comes time for the “big talk,” there’s very little intimacy, connection or love left. You might as well be having that talk with a stranger. You have to be connected to your partner for them to care about your feelings and for them to want to work on changing the relationship. If there’s no connection, there’s no motivation to change anything for the better.The “big talk” is not going to change anything. It’s actually a recipe for disaster. You can play how that conversation is going to go over and over, thousands of times in your head. It won’t make a difference. If there’s no connection or intimacy your partner is not going to respond well even if you’re wanting to have this talk is well intentioned.I’m not saying that you don’t ever talk. What I’m saying is that you need to spend time reconnecting with each other first before you have the “big talk.” Get back to doing things you used to love, do things you used to do when you were dating, send flowers, e-cards, etc. Get to know each other again. You are going to wind up building intimacy this way and reconnecting with each other. Once that happens, then you can have that talk, but by then, it won’t be so big anymore. This is the first step in answering that question, “How do I save my marriage?” Everything else gets easier from here.If things are already past this point, you’re going to need a stronger approach to get your marriage back on track.
How can I save my marriage alone? This is, unfortunately, a question asked by far too many people today. The first years of marriage are usually happy, and both partners are content. Then problems start, and conflicts begin. Usually, neither person truly wants to end their marriage. They just don’t know how to save it.You know that there are problems in your marriage. You have to really look at them, and find out why they happened. When only one person is trying to save a marriage, it is doing to be difficult. But it CAN be done!You should try to bring back to ‘spark’ in your marriage. When couples start to have marital problems, usually the first thing that leaves the marriage is the spark. The romance. The togetherness. You should try to set time aside to spend quality time together, even if it’s a small amount of time at first. Think about how wonderful your marriage was before, and this will give you the strength you need to continue to save your marriage.Show your spouse that you really do still love them. Show them that you appreciate them, and how truly special they are to you.In a healthy relationship, communication is a key factor. Try to initiate communication with your spouse. At first, it will probably not be easy, but it will get easier with time. When you finally get your spouse to talk, be sure to listen. Listen to their thoughts and feelings, and do your very best to understand.Keeping a troubled marriage alive is difficult, to say the least. Time changes people, for better or worse. That’s just a simple fact of life. But you must learn how to deal with these changes. When you do that, and are willing to put the effort into it, you will succeed in saving your marriage, even when you are doing it alone.